so i konw i am soooooooo far behind everyone but i am now in love with

FLIGHT OF THE CONCORD

a show on HBO

this is an ex-dj and pal BenJosh daughter's first dance recital.


it is so adorable.

undefined Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

..

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i am obsessing today about money really bad. Christmas always does this to me, multiplied by the fact that i am looking into getting a new car so my financial world is changing exponentially. i hate money i hate that i want it i hate that i need it.

just in case you don't know when i obsess about something i go overboard. i spent all this morning doing math equations to figure out all th money i will be making and spending in the next year. running multiple scenarios of how i will be living and who i will have t owe and which car i will by and weather or not to sell my motorcycle, uggghhh i need a distraction desperately.

so i am catching you up.

lately my hair has been getting VERy long and have been thinking about making it into a afro but i might not do it.

Rachael has this Tone to her voice when i am doing something stupid but she doesn't want to ask me not to do it, and she always responds to any comment about any said possible neive act on my part with a "Well, let me know how that turns out" i know she would never say Bryan i think you are gonna look stupid because she is scared of how i might react but i can tell under her breath is a "That is not a good idea."

so i probably just keep the "shaggy" look as my boss calls it for now.

A quick pic of my hair flowing in the wind.

i spent both thanksgiving and "thanksmis" with Rachael which made me smile a lot. even though every time i drive Rachael's car up north it is always the worst weather ever. we survived yet another SNOWY trip with me at the wheel calm on my face but crying in fear on the inside. i know i am a good driver but good drivers crash too. i am glad my driving helps relax Rachael and i hope she is blissfully unaware of my inner state. (although saying this in this blog gives away my superman like exterior, sorry Rachael)


While i was up in Nephi Rachael's father build a snowman who felt the need to stretch his back so i built him a doggy to talk to while he was leaning over.

Rachael has already finished her Christmas shopping if you look closely you can see my gifts hidden under a towel in her closet. Don't worry i didn't peek i like to be surprised.
i only have one more gift to buy of hers along with my mom and dad's gift.

and of course to close it out one of Rachael's famously patented close up self pics.


I love you Rachael!

oh sweet momma jones that is awesome.

favorite random found online photo

Google rocks this is Rachael the girl i love i presume in Disney world working maybe?

also in love with SONGZA it is a online jukebox or really just a music search engine

HAHAHA i love cats but that made me chuckle poor little guy.

UGGGGHHHH

so much homework i am soooo tired of writing papers.

on a positive my sheep movie got here (see previous blog).

no for real this is a real movie i have it next on my net flix list.

now that is just kinda creepy

my chicago trip with the one and only Rachael

I love me and Rachael's vacation photo's they look so similar to any other photos of ours no one else would ever know that we where in Chicago except us.
















in these pics you would never know she was sick a lot of the trip poor thing

i did take some other photos on the way home though
Rachael and this computer thingy was our navigator taking us to great places like 004 and 002

i got to sit by the window and watch our plain fly over the grand canyon and a reaaaally big fire just on top of it. coooool

and i got to watch an entire episode of the simpsons on the flight home "best plain ride ever"

i also got to pick up my first Christmas gift it was for Rachael it wasn't this but they were in the same store.

i had an awesome time in Chicago i got to cuddle with Rachael and i got to get to know her parents better it was pretty freakin sweet. thank you Rachael for inviting me and to her parents for the plain trip. i haven't seen Rachael in a while and this made me feel really good.

last but not least take some advice from a pain pillow and have

how i felt yesterday

scary thought yesterday!!!!!!!!!!!!!


i can not remember the last time someone anyone told me that i am handsome, sexy, attractive, or any other of the options for a guy.

i know i am not the ugliest man on the planet but it would be nice to hear it once in a while from someone, anyone.

double charged

yesterday sucked

my teacher told me yesterday that i would no longer be aloud to take a test early. wait let me tell you first that i get to go to Chicago on Monday and spend a week with my love Rachael (i'm counting the days). so i was supposed to take a test for comm theory on Friday instead of Monday, but now i have to take it that Monday morning. my plane for Chicago take Rachael's father graciously got for me was supposed to leave early Monday morning but with me having to stay for that test i needed to leave later.

so after being transfered about 30 times on a phone call to get to someone who could change my flight i found out it was gonna cost $193.00 to make the switch which sucks but it is worth it to get to see Rachael and still get that test. after i hung up with them they called Rachael's phone and tried to get my credit card information. i guess her number was on the account they had. they said that there computer had crashed and didn't charge anything to my account so they needed to do it again. i hadn't got a chance to talk to Rachael about this so i am sure this phone call was very confusing.

now i had too problems on my hand i had to make my way back through the 30 transfers cause no one could give me a direct number to the trip people and i was worried that Rachael would be mad at me for getting her kinda involved without talking to her first. after getting back through the transfer gauntlet once more i got them my card information and was reassured that my account would not be charged twice. i got off that call and called Rachael to explain the whole situation. during calling her i got an email saying my account was overdrawn. it seems they did charge me twice. so i had to cut another conversation with Rachael short
and wade my way back through the transfers. when i got there again they told me they could not take back the charge right now it would take a few days for it to be recalled so i am out another 193.00 till hopefully just before Monday when I leave.

to top it all off she told me the "only" supervisor she had that could get me a reassurance that this would happen was "on lunch just at that time." i call bullshit. that made so angry i screamed and scared my roommates. i was so mad i did not to call Rachael cause i didn't want to take any anger out on her for any reason.

ugh i had a headache all the rest of the day.

just checked my checking account and


fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
make that they charged me a third fucking time $600.00 so far
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

and when i called today guess what they are closed til tommorrow.

My to Do list

wow so i slept in today. so as not to feel unproductive on a day when i missed class because of sleep here is my to do list.

1. nice long shower (woot i get to be nakey for a loong time i love nakey)
2. walk to albertsons and buy a great breakfast of fruit and juice.
3. call rachael to say i love her and see if she got my latest pstcard with the hotdog mummy
4. clean my room
5. go to walmart or target to buy a new razor for shavin and such
6. go toalk to teacher see what i missed while i snoozed the morning away
7. homework
8. work at 7ish

just wanted to remind everyone that i have the best girlfriend ever.


so nah nah nah nah nah naaaaah to everyone else!!!!

now that is a sandwich

i am scaring myself lately.

i have been getting angry and self loathing very quickly and i don't really know why and these episodes last for quite a while. i don't have anything that just plain makes me happy. i used to love goin and playing volleyball and Frisbee with my roommate john, but it has become too competitive. i used to just ist and listen to music but most of my "free" time is spent on homework, homework and more flipping homework.

and to put the pickle on the crap sandwich that is my life the last little bit i am missing Rachael sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much.

wow what a sad day i bombed a midterm test with an awesomised 69%

so when i am sulking i like to buy stuff (unhealthy i know but it does the trick)

so here is a list of things i would like to buy but probable won't


A Watch that contains a USB flash drive both practical and super nerdy


A personal podcast center and software so the world can here my mindless ramblings


To complete my survival series i already have how to survive a zombie attack,


IT is a Control Alt Delete reference nerds get it trust me (god love the 3 finger salute)


Who doesn't want an Einstein shirt come on!!!

This shirt contains a device that reads the amount or strength of a wifi signal in the area and displays it by lighting up damn that is hott.



and it is soooo true despite my horrible test score today.


and finally rachael showed me this one oh happy day it is sooo cute



well that is a fun list of fun stuff to by hey the links are the link to buy it for me so if anyone gets all charitable and wants to cheer a fella up don't let me stop you

i love you all either way.

I spend most of my day in fear of other people. so much it can destroy possible friendships.

but with her there was no fear.

and still there is none.

I can hold her anywhere and feel safe where ever we are.






I can remember the first time she touched me. we where sitting across from each other at a booth in her kitchen (yes a booth she had an awesome table) and i felt her hand touch my leg. i can remember feeling strange because i didn't pull away.

ask anyone if touched i will jump away.

her hand felt good and at the time i could not figure out why but i didn't need to. we have touched countless times since and every time feels just as right as the first touch.

this random moment of tenderness is brought to you by my roommate watching "garden state" and me sitting down to watch it half way through

(side note garden state was one of the first movies she ever 'introduced' me to [she fell asleep half way through] thank you for that)

hahaha this used to be a D for dixie sate college but it was easily enough changed into a U much like the college itself.

wow i am dead tired today i went to school and did a radio show til 1pm practiced piano, stopped at work to try and plan a trip to see Rachael, played ultimate Frisbee, boxed on the Nintendo Wii, and did homework wow the fullest day i have had in a great while.

quick note from yesterday i ran into a girl who i had a crush on years back and all i could think about while we were catching up was how great it is to have Rachael so i have to never worry about what girls think of me. i just know that Rachael loves me and that is all i need and i would like to thank her for that.

i am dead tired i am goin to go fall into a coma until tomorrow morning.

night night.

nice use a fanagle

wow talk about a long time between blogs

i have been putting this off forever and i don't know why.

well i have been very down lately and don't know why. well i have an inkling of why. everyone around me seems to be down and being mean to each other. i just need one nice person.

i need Rachael. she is in Texas with her family. i am trying to fanagle a trip up to slc to see her and my family around October 11th. MY SIS HAD ANOTHER BABY!!!!

i got a Nintendo Wii (well another one the first one got stolen [bunch of savages in this town])

this is just an update i am planning on updating this thing more daily now that i have no reason not to. here is hoping for the best.

so in conclusion i am sad and surrounded by sad and angry people in a situation where i need someone who is all the way in texas (sending her a post card made me feel a little better). i miss me a few weeks ago.

write to you soon.

what is love:

love is the memory of the baby fish being seen for the first time with Rachael. it's remembering her face as she stared into the water. how happy it made her. i remember being more excited for her than for the baby fish. don't get me wrong i think the baby fish rocked but,

picturing her face as she watched them swim for the first time makes me smile.

as well as hearing the joy in her voice when she speaks of them.

thank god for baby fish.

i hope they all survive the winter.

my uberlameness

i can be sooo lame sometimes.

i let certain inane things bug me.

-being sweaty when i get to work
-feeling my cousins life is sooo much cooler than mine
-when Rachael doesn't say i love you back at the end of phone calls
-wondering whether or not i will be a good husband someday
-will i be breaking stuff forever in public (i am kinda dumb and break stuff a lot in public)

i get nervous alot for no reason.

sometimes i will just begin to worry about nothing that i can recognize and it will begin to steamroll into a stomach ache and even a headache all the way to vomiting.

all over a worry i can even identify.

i want to always be the Bryan that people love today but i want to also grow into a better person.

wow ok time to be interesting.

so i got to spend a whole week with the one and only RACHAEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it was a blast i had to work alot the first few days but it wsa ok cause she got to hang out with Becky and do stuff that doesn't interest me like watch

HIGH school musical 2


well mostly that. but it is kewl i am glad she likes it even though i don't that is healthy in a relationship.

we also got our hair cuts by our personal stylist BEcky who made me Pete the owl


kinda shown here.





but i had 4 days off in a row starting on Saturday we went to all the places we usually go like Grun a specality store in st. George and all the places we love to eat like bajio MMMMMMM.

and on moday after a good car washing and pill pickin uppin

me and lamby being excited for a clean car.









we headed to the great city of LAS VEgas





well that isn't las vegas but it is on the way there.

and we also saw a big (really big) turtle on the way there


AHHHHH KILLER CAR CRUSHING TURTLE on the loose

ok well not really it is just a statue but it would be cool.


while we where there we did alot of walking and eating we ate lots of awesome food from the AMERICA eatery to crepes on our way out of town. mmm good food.



the first night/day we visited the M&M place and Rachael showed me that the M&M place and the coke place go up a lot more than just one story.

and we got to watch a fun video about M&M's after walking down a cool hall way and seeing fun M&M stuff like:


and



oodles of fun!!

well my DVD is done burning so turn in next time for exciting tails of

THE AQUARIUM

and

Rachael's winnings

and OF course

STOMP the Yard.

she will be here today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11


my eyes opened today with a smile whose powers is eclipsed only by the sun.








she comes to me today.

in here honor.

Modest Mouse - Dashboard
Uploaded by migite

my shower

i decided to watch a meteor shower tonight so i got off work at 11:45pm and drove out to the Arizona strip and parked off the side of the road behind a hill to block traffic lights and laid back on my motorcycle and watched em streak across the night sky.

this was surprisingly interesting i just laid there and watched for almost 45 minutes without noticing the time pass by.

i will have to thank Doug (a regular at my work [starbucks]) for the tip it made an otherwise boring night into an interesting one.

this made me smile today.




today i ran to the park and back then showered all my sweatiness off and headed off to work to cover someones shift today.

we are working on getting me the weekend off before my vegas trip KC my assistant boss is helping me.

ugg i will survive i guess, especially with a mini vacation

so today i tripped while working in drive through. doesn't sound too bad i know but i fell into the window sill and hit my head. i nearly blacked out all i remember is lying down and lots of hysterical laughing. i am ok though


so me and john talked about one of his friends Shevon moving in and i never said ok but i didn't say no either it was left as a let me find out if she actually wants to then we can discuss it.

so today he says "shevon might have found a washer and drier."

Me: "ooookkk where is she gonna put them?"

JOhn: "the washer and drier room i fugred"

Me: "ours?"

John: "yah she is moving in remember?"

ME: "yah i remeber saying we would talk about when you found out if she was coming back."

blah blah blah

to make a long story short i have a roomate named shevon who on the bright side will also be bringing the afore mentioned W&D.

i was worried about having a female roommate but shevon is basically a guy in my eyes. the idea of her as a women kind of creeps me out. john thinks the same she is just one of those tomboys that you forget to notice what little femininity she may have hidden under her masculine persona.

on to more pressing matters me and Rachael have been playing phone tag lately but i hope to talk to her tonight.

and encase you are wondering ME and john: 1 mice: 0

woot woot we win.

i wish i had been able to take more time off with Rachael (I close a lot the nights) my boss said that with all the people leaving (billy, becky, jackie, ect...) she couldn't spare me she told me that i could have the two nights off i wanted to go to Vegas with Rachael off though. so i do get a mini vacation with my love.

Yah we get to stay at the New York New York hotel and we are gonna try and see some shows while there. i can not wait to be in Vegas alone with Rachael i love spending time with her just being with her makes me happy.

EEEEEKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


a mouse!!!!!!!

i am off to get mouse getting rid of products.

Today feels very IRISH






Maybe because i woke up to Dropkick Murphy's or that i watched Flogging Molly's Whiskey on a Sunday DVD



but today is so green i feel better in my own pale skin.

and i swear this kid is me a few years back (with maybe Mountain Dew not beer) and i refuse to miss those day s i am goin skating with the Irish diddies wailing away in my ears

Flogging Molly - Drunken Lullaby
Uploaded by hphil_

PS. I love you Rachael

and for sun here is another musing from that refound book.

"I sit sideways
avoiding the awkward
smile that follows
our eyes meeting
for my teethe are as
crooked as
my confidence"

i just moved int o a house with my friend jon and with any move comes memories stuffed into boxes.

my latest treasure was a book of stories and poems i titled:

Making love to the window sill

i called it this because i spent so many hours riding the tracks just staring out the windows leaning against the window sill watching the world as i past it by.

[i am always scared to put up writings from the past because they reflect who i was back then and i don't always like who i was so whomever shall read this remember that we all have pasts and futures and if we met ourselves from the future or the past


we would probably kick our own ass for being so strange.

enough with the explaining

one of my favorites is


"6 Inches of Ego"

She never cums when we fuck
'i can only do it when i masturbate'
she tells me

not surprisingly this does not
give me the self esteem to
get it up one more time.

i need a girl to scream
at my touch.
not every time
Just often enough to remind
me that my dick has a
purpose.

i need a reason to get
that erection
my own orgasm just isn't
enough anymore.
that 6 inch extension of
my ego shrinks
as fast as my
confidence
when challenged with
such repeated failures.

________________________________________________________________________
[________________________________________________________________________]


i love finding memories like this no matter how detrimental to my self esteem it may seem it all makes me smile.

this song always makes me smile.

Ska Ska Ska

Jamaica Ska

Ska Ska Ska

Do the Ska





Not many people can ChaChaCha

Not everybody can do the Twist

But everybody can do the Ska

It's the new dance you can't resist



Ska Ska Ska
Jamaica Ska

Now everybody can do the Ska
It's the new dance that goes like this

Now bow you head
And swing your arms
Shake your hips
Now do a dip

Ska Ska Ska
Jamaica Ska
Ska Ska Ska
Do the Ska

Now bow your head
And swing your harms
And shake your hips
Now do a dip

Ska Ska Ska
Jamaica Ska
Ska Ska Ska
Do the Ska

Not any people can ChaChaCha
Not everybody can do the Twist
But everybody can do the Ska
It's the new dance that goes like this

Ska Ska Ska
Jamaican Ska
Ska Ska Ska
Do the Ska

i am enjoying my day off with some photoshop fun.

the problem i have with blogs is they reflect only the highs and lows of life but it is in the insignificance that life breathes.

today i sat around and called alot of people mostly trying to pay bills and get my rent in gear but i have been stuck in the mud unable to move forward without the push of there return phone calls. i did get a hold of my dad and we talked for a while.

he has dealt with so much of me from way back into childhood he can sit and listen to me talk forever just like when he used to sit and just watch me obsess over everything and just let me be. in his eyes i was just Bryan
not a mentally disabled child. i tell people that parents are there to make mistakes and they are but they are also there to allow there children to make them. they are the chalk board designing the biggest mistakes but they are also the erasure ridding the view of the mistakes we make with one unfailing swoop of a verbal erasing disguised as an "I love you."

I LOVE YOU DAD

it is these seemingly insignificant moments that our memories lay.

what is it about money that can make you sooooo depressed.

i know being rejected by a rental business shouldn't make me so emotional but it does

so many things go through my head.

how will i get through life with imperfect credit, how will it effect the one i love Rachael.

will my bad credit make her scared what happens when i want to buy a home.

this is sooo stupid i am crying over it.

i hate myself right now.

why did i have to try so hard to please Danyela (my ex-wife) why did i buy her a new car and get a loan for her to fix up that old mustang? why did i believe her when she said she would pay it back? why do i defend her still?

she was awful to me and left me with all the bills to pay i have gotten most of them gone but the way she left them is still hurting my credit and me.

i am sorry. i hate this.

i have pulled myself out of debt at least six times because of her and have lost over $12,000 paying back everything she left me, but still every time my parents call i still fear another bill has come back from god knows where i can't even enjoy my parents phone calls, and after all i have gone through to get back on my feet a little thing like this just reminds me of all the pain of climbing out of debt over and over again.

i have pulled myself out of debt but the credit it left behind still effects me.

Fuck.

i hate myself at times like this.

damn that is hott

so it is supposed to top out at 119 degrees today i am gonna stay inside alot but i for got my phone at work so i got to run and go get it i hope i don't melt.

The Fuckin beastie Boys have a new instrumental album out!!!!


Woot to the mother fuckin Nootch!!!!!!

Beastie Boys Off the Grid
Uploaded by Beastie_Boys

bring back the good times beastie bring em back.

Oh My god this is fucking great.

Robot Chicken Star Wars
Uploaded by koutso20

songs to pass the time

for my blog today i will be simply putting music lyrics down that say what i have not the talent to do so myself.


"Have one, have twenty more "one mores" and oh it does not relent.
The good times are killing me.
Shit-kicker city slickers who all wanted me dead.
The good times are killing me. "

not that i am spending my life partying but spending the best times of my life in my room
alone

these good times are killing me.


"You seem so out of context in this gaudy apartment complex
A stranger with your door key explaining that i am just visiting
And i am finally seeing why i was the one worth leaving

D.C. sleeps alone tonight"


right now is the first time i have felt out of place among college students
i feel soo old and out of context.

sleeping alone makes the nights go by soo slow.

"Cause in my head there’s a greyhound station
Where I send my thoughts to far off destinations
So they may have a chance of finding a place
where they’re far more suited than here"

I used to write so much my fingers ached

but now my pencil is only touching paper for school i miss my thoughts

i miss getting those thoughts out so they don't infect me with the disease of

doubt.


"I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you
But now I don’t care I could go anywhere with you
And I’d probably be happy”

So if you want to be with me
With these things there’s no telling
We just have to wait and see
But I’d rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery
Besides maybe this time is different
I mean I really think you like me"

on the positive side i believe i have found the person i want to be with forever and i know what love is but i won't tell you what it is; you will know it when it comes. just know that i have it and it is all hers and i will give it to her always.

wow it has been way too long since i have done this.

let me catch you up.

i have made two very successful trips to NEphi to see my love Rachael. i am becoming much more comfortable on the highway with my Harley. i have even begun passing cars and semis instead of just being passed. I actually love the trips up there cause at the end of the long drive I get to hug Rachael, but the rides back have a less exciting ending they usually involve coming home and taking a nap.


my life right now is pretty boring i work eat and play on the computi

i have begun to play World of Warcraft again it is a great way to pass the time.

on my latest trip up north me and Rachael visited My folks and we all went and watched Pirates O the Caribbean "RRRRRRRR"



A little something for everyone: Johnny for the girls and gay men and that girl (whatever her name is) for the straight men and even that old rocker who will never die (not pictured).




Where it not for my pounding migraine this movie would have rocked but it still kinda did non the less.

i have been sick for the last few days it was at it's worst for the last two days i was sent home today because i made a mess of the ladies room at work. vomiting always sucks but you feel so much better afterwards. i have been drinking so much water i think i am gonna drown myself but that is the only advice i get is "drink plenty of water"

well what the hell is plenty?!


when ever i type out a journal like this i feel like doogie howser from Television















Bye for now lovelies.

Factotum: a man who never had a job he liked and never kept the ones he had.

tonight is one of those nights that i would love for Rachael to be here.

i am sitting alone in my room john is out with some of his friends and rachael is miles away.

my computers "power supply" has broken so i am on my backup computer.

ok enough with the self loathing.

i got to watch the movie
it made me smile and laugh alot of the times it was running.

it is not a movie for everyone maybe just for those of us who understand and enjoy the humor of Mr. Charles Bukowski, and are willing to laugh at lifes disgucsting moments and enjoy those uncomfortable silences most pear are phobic of.

i also got Goonies i have yet to watch it but i know it will make me smile like it always has.

i went to buy a power supply for my computer so i could burn the flicks and send them back but i could only find em at best buy and the cheapest was $54.00 and the one i got at new egg only cost $38.00 but hey maybe that is why i am sitting here complaining about it being broken.

nothing left to say but i need to get some stamps which are now 41 cents damn you postal service!!!