i just moved int o a house with my friend jon and with any move comes memories stuffed into boxes.

my latest treasure was a book of stories and poems i titled:

Making love to the window sill

i called it this because i spent so many hours riding the tracks just staring out the windows leaning against the window sill watching the world as i past it by.

[i am always scared to put up writings from the past because they reflect who i was back then and i don't always like who i was so whomever shall read this remember that we all have pasts and futures and if we met ourselves from the future or the past


we would probably kick our own ass for being so strange.

enough with the explaining

one of my favorites is


"6 Inches of Ego"

She never cums when we fuck
'i can only do it when i masturbate'
she tells me

not surprisingly this does not
give me the self esteem to
get it up one more time.

i need a girl to scream
at my touch.
not every time
Just often enough to remind
me that my dick has a
purpose.

i need a reason to get
that erection
my own orgasm just isn't
enough anymore.
that 6 inch extension of
my ego shrinks
as fast as my
confidence
when challenged with
such repeated failures.

________________________________________________________________________
[________________________________________________________________________]


i love finding memories like this no matter how detrimental to my self esteem it may seem it all makes me smile.

this song always makes me smile.

Ska Ska Ska

Jamaica Ska

Ska Ska Ska

Do the Ska





Not many people can ChaChaCha

Not everybody can do the Twist

But everybody can do the Ska

It's the new dance you can't resist



Ska Ska Ska
Jamaica Ska

Now everybody can do the Ska
It's the new dance that goes like this

Now bow you head
And swing your arms
Shake your hips
Now do a dip

Ska Ska Ska
Jamaica Ska
Ska Ska Ska
Do the Ska

Now bow your head
And swing your harms
And shake your hips
Now do a dip

Ska Ska Ska
Jamaica Ska
Ska Ska Ska
Do the Ska

Not any people can ChaChaCha
Not everybody can do the Twist
But everybody can do the Ska
It's the new dance that goes like this

Ska Ska Ska
Jamaican Ska
Ska Ska Ska
Do the Ska

i am enjoying my day off with some photoshop fun.

the problem i have with blogs is they reflect only the highs and lows of life but it is in the insignificance that life breathes.

today i sat around and called alot of people mostly trying to pay bills and get my rent in gear but i have been stuck in the mud unable to move forward without the push of there return phone calls. i did get a hold of my dad and we talked for a while.

he has dealt with so much of me from way back into childhood he can sit and listen to me talk forever just like when he used to sit and just watch me obsess over everything and just let me be. in his eyes i was just Bryan
not a mentally disabled child. i tell people that parents are there to make mistakes and they are but they are also there to allow there children to make them. they are the chalk board designing the biggest mistakes but they are also the erasure ridding the view of the mistakes we make with one unfailing swoop of a verbal erasing disguised as an "I love you."

I LOVE YOU DAD

it is these seemingly insignificant moments that our memories lay.

what is it about money that can make you sooooo depressed.

i know being rejected by a rental business shouldn't make me so emotional but it does

so many things go through my head.

how will i get through life with imperfect credit, how will it effect the one i love Rachael.

will my bad credit make her scared what happens when i want to buy a home.

this is sooo stupid i am crying over it.

i hate myself right now.

why did i have to try so hard to please Danyela (my ex-wife) why did i buy her a new car and get a loan for her to fix up that old mustang? why did i believe her when she said she would pay it back? why do i defend her still?

she was awful to me and left me with all the bills to pay i have gotten most of them gone but the way she left them is still hurting my credit and me.

i am sorry. i hate this.

i have pulled myself out of debt at least six times because of her and have lost over $12,000 paying back everything she left me, but still every time my parents call i still fear another bill has come back from god knows where i can't even enjoy my parents phone calls, and after all i have gone through to get back on my feet a little thing like this just reminds me of all the pain of climbing out of debt over and over again.

i have pulled myself out of debt but the credit it left behind still effects me.

Fuck.

i hate myself at times like this.

damn that is hott

so it is supposed to top out at 119 degrees today i am gonna stay inside alot but i for got my phone at work so i got to run and go get it i hope i don't melt.