kevin smith is not for the kiddies

Kevin smith of "Clerks," "Mallrats," "Chasing Amy," ect.... is coming out with a new movie and i am F*^ki%g exstatic.

Zack and Miri Make a Porno

A good memory

me and Rachael went to the parade of homes and got all our stuff and headed out with only the addresses and are gusto. we found most of the houses we intended to, all the while saying how great a map would be or maybe something in a GPS system. when we finally decided to go ask for a map i was waiting in line to ask a question when i overhead the lady in the front of the line being told how to use her map inside the magazine she had gotten (we also got 2 magazines). to avoid the inevitable embarrassment i took Rachael by the arm and walked away. I told her about the map we had be complaining about not having while having one under our noses. hehe we laughed about this the rest of the day.

really personal stuff here, and long phew how long

i have lots of negative emotions right now most involving jealousy.

first you see i recently sold my motorcycle to my father and watched him drive away with it. i didn't think i would miss it too much but i do a little and something Rachael said made me sad that day but i didn't realize that was it til recentlier. she said she missed the sound of my motorcycle and for a strange reason that hit me a couple of ways neither of which i know she intended them. she would never say anything to hurt me she is so wonderful.

first it reminded me of how much i will miss that sound i really enjoyed the kind of pride that came with it. and secondly i remembered how "sexy" she once said (a while back, when i first got it) i was on it and i didn't want to give that up either. i got really jealous of my father and now john just got a motorcycle today, mitch is fixing his and yoshi (a friend form st. george) just picked his up.

stupid me i will get over it.

i had my motorcycle times i need to grow up and enjoy the adult car i have now the toyota prius, which i do love so very much, but there still is a part of me that wants to ride a motocycle now and again. if you never have you might not understand just how amazing and confident it can make you feel.

The rest of this is kinda personal but that is what blogs and journals are for i guess.

Personal stuff click to read if you want

so me and Rachael have been together for years now. our tentative anniversary of being together is coming up in August i don't think either of us knows and exact date or she does and i am just dumb, but we have actually broken up twice in our relationship. both of which we got back together, and our relationship is stringer because of it, thank goodness for that. she means the world to me, more important than Roman Noodles, popcorn, or any motorcycle combined (anyone who knows me know how big that is). she is on the top of my list, or pyramid (she made me an awesome upside down pyramid once i loved it).

anyhow i digress, during our first time apart she lived in nephi and we where still friends and she told me an old friend of our "zen" was coming to visit and in he had in a flirty way asked to cuddle with her, and this drove me nuts i hated the idea and i became sooo jealous. i hated "Zen" for it. nothing happened between the two of them and that is not the problem but i still for some reason resented "Zen" for this. i have this strong feeling of betrayal towards him and the situation. i know Rachael and i were not together at the time, but i felt really betrayed at the time and it has not gone away.

thankfully Rachael and my relationship is much stronger now i haven't gotten jealous like that since. i love the fact that she has guy and girl friends i have met some of her guy friend in Nephi and in St. George and i was glad she had these friendships. i mean i have female friends and i can't expect her to be cool with that if i am not in return. anyway in a long way i just said i have dealt with my jealousy issues (what little there was) and it is no longer a problem.

i had gotten past this "Zen" or so i thought and never thought about it for a long time, but he contacted me recently and told me he was going to be in SLC (which is where i am for the summer)and wanted to hang out. all the betrayal emotions came back i have these really strong emotions towards him i and fear i don't see him the same way i used to. i want to be his friend and be as close as we were but this stupid betrayal feeling keeps coming back.

the worst part of this is i am sure he has no idea i have never told him.

How do i get back to being friends?

finally this is why i hate being home it always takes me back to that neurotic child fearing all these irrational and unneeded fears. like right now i can't help feeling this blog will destroy my entire world somehow send everything i know into a horrible downward spiral. i have no idea how but that stupid obsessive compulsiveness is taking over again.

fun in almost any site

got to a webiste: lets say NETFLIX and once it has loaded paste this code


javascript:R=0; x1=.1; y1=.05; x2=.25; y2=.24; x3=1.6; y3=.24; x4=300; y4=200; x5=300; y5=200; DI=document.images; DIL=DI.length; function A(){for(i=0; i-DIL; i++){DIS=DI[ i ].style; DIS.position='absolute'; DIS.left=Math.sin(R*x1+i*x2+x3)*x4+x5; DIS.top=Math.cos(R*y1+i*y2+y3)*y4+y5}R++}setInterval('A()',5); void(0);



in the address box up top over the www.netflix thingy watch the screen goes crazy.

it works some other pages too it works really good in google image search. search for a picture say puppies than put the same code in the address box.

state of being too big for my room

Living back at home for less than 12 hours has made me appreciate how wonderful Rachael is i feel like such a guest. i feel out of place sitting in the front room that i spent nearly half of my life.

this is not my house i am merely unpacking my clothes and sleeping here until August 23rd ish i have never looked forward to the end of summer so much.

i only hope i become more comfortable here soon. right now i feel as uncomfortable as a fist in an un-inflated balloon.

on a better note i have begun enjoying the works of Oscar Wilde and i look forward reigniting my love of reading which always comes to me here in northern Utah.

they grow again

every once in a while i get a really nervous feeling which grows into complete negativity towards almost everything. i spend all day waiting for something terrible to happen in fear of the worst case scenario.

tonight was one of those once in a whiles

I hate this feeling, I hate how sudden it can come, I hate that it comes so unannounced, I hate how big it can and does grow, i hate how uncomfortable in my skin it makes me feel, i hate the fear of everyone staring at my and my socio-phobic disorder, I hate that i want a hug but the idea of touching most people makes my skin crawl, i wish this feeling on no one.

I think i really want the terrible thing to happen just to justify this enormous fear i can't explain.

how i licked my own eyeball and almost died

i decided to long board to work and back just for fun but it was a strange ride.

the ride there was relatively uneventful but coming home was a whole nuther story.

while passing the school my contact decided to make a run for it and leaped to freedom from the tower that is my face. i search all over around me it for about a minute when I realized I was wearing sun-glasses. hehe it was an inch from my face all along stuck to the lens. it had dried in the time it took me to discover it, and with me without water i had to lick it to get it moist so that it would stick to my eye to get moist from tears and other eye water. i put it in and felt the immediate pain of dirt on my lens de contact. i looked at my hand it was filthy from riding and carrying Rachael and My long board.

ahhhhh i ran to the school across the street and luckily despite the semester being over the first door i tried was unlocked. i bolted for the restroom where i put the contact in the shallow bowl created by the concaveness of my glasses and washed my hands. the next attempt at putting the contact in was a success except for the marks that my tongue had made by licking it where still there. don't worry the eye water got rid of them toot sweet.

so on my way home again. i passed by the ice cream shop and decided to give myself a treat i purchased a waffle cone with one scoop of strawberry shortcake on top of a scoop of banana split ice cream. as i boarded my way towards smiths i was getting ever closer to the banana split ice cream making my way though the strawberry.

one more bite and i got a great shock "duh dummy, banana splits have nuts on them so, so would the ice cream equivalent to. ahhhhhh again, well actually more of a agagaangngn with the swelling. thankfully by this time i was in the smiths parking lot and the medicine was merely a just 20 or so steps away. i got it down before any damage. i sat and rested at smiths til i had enough strength to start walking home but then.... hoorah my good friend Dave (well not really good friend i barely know him but at this moment he was my best friend cause he) drove me back hoem to where i sit now writing you of my epic tales of woe and excitement.

that my day so far i am going to go hang out with jon for a bit till the swelling goes away completely.

for those who are worriers and you know who you are. i am fine and will be ok i promise.

she is amazing

i am constantly amazed at how BRAVE Rachael is.

Being brave is not living in the absence of fear but

having fear but acting anyway.

i wish i could be up there to help her, to hold her and tell her she is doing good. she is doing sooo much and things that would scare me to death.

she is confronting a problem that is frightening and doing it bravely.

I love you Rachael