state of being too big for my room

Living back at home for less than 12 hours has made me appreciate how wonderful Rachael is i feel like such a guest. i feel out of place sitting in the front room that i spent nearly half of my life.

this is not my house i am merely unpacking my clothes and sleeping here until August 23rd ish i have never looked forward to the end of summer so much.

i only hope i become more comfortable here soon. right now i feel as uncomfortable as a fist in an un-inflated balloon.

on a better note i have begun enjoying the works of Oscar Wilde and i look forward reigniting my love of reading which always comes to me here in northern Utah.

they grow again

every once in a while i get a really nervous feeling which grows into complete negativity towards almost everything. i spend all day waiting for something terrible to happen in fear of the worst case scenario.

tonight was one of those once in a whiles

I hate this feeling, I hate how sudden it can come, I hate that it comes so unannounced, I hate how big it can and does grow, i hate how uncomfortable in my skin it makes me feel, i hate the fear of everyone staring at my and my socio-phobic disorder, I hate that i want a hug but the idea of touching most people makes my skin crawl, i wish this feeling on no one.

I think i really want the terrible thing to happen just to justify this enormous fear i can't explain.

how i licked my own eyeball and almost died

i decided to long board to work and back just for fun but it was a strange ride.

the ride there was relatively uneventful but coming home was a whole nuther story.

while passing the school my contact decided to make a run for it and leaped to freedom from the tower that is my face. i search all over around me it for about a minute when I realized I was wearing sun-glasses. hehe it was an inch from my face all along stuck to the lens. it had dried in the time it took me to discover it, and with me without water i had to lick it to get it moist so that it would stick to my eye to get moist from tears and other eye water. i put it in and felt the immediate pain of dirt on my lens de contact. i looked at my hand it was filthy from riding and carrying Rachael and My long board.

ahhhhh i ran to the school across the street and luckily despite the semester being over the first door i tried was unlocked. i bolted for the restroom where i put the contact in the shallow bowl created by the concaveness of my glasses and washed my hands. the next attempt at putting the contact in was a success except for the marks that my tongue had made by licking it where still there. don't worry the eye water got rid of them toot sweet.

so on my way home again. i passed by the ice cream shop and decided to give myself a treat i purchased a waffle cone with one scoop of strawberry shortcake on top of a scoop of banana split ice cream. as i boarded my way towards smiths i was getting ever closer to the banana split ice cream making my way though the strawberry.

one more bite and i got a great shock "duh dummy, banana splits have nuts on them so, so would the ice cream equivalent to. ahhhhhh again, well actually more of a agagaangngn with the swelling. thankfully by this time i was in the smiths parking lot and the medicine was merely a just 20 or so steps away. i got it down before any damage. i sat and rested at smiths til i had enough strength to start walking home but then.... hoorah my good friend Dave (well not really good friend i barely know him but at this moment he was my best friend cause he) drove me back hoem to where i sit now writing you of my epic tales of woe and excitement.

that my day so far i am going to go hang out with jon for a bit till the swelling goes away completely.

for those who are worriers and you know who you are. i am fine and will be ok i promise.

she is amazing

i am constantly amazed at how BRAVE Rachael is.

Being brave is not living in the absence of fear but

having fear but acting anyway.

i wish i could be up there to help her, to hold her and tell her she is doing good. she is doing sooo much and things that would scare me to death.

she is confronting a problem that is frightening and doing it bravely.

I love you Rachael

ah i am a creature of habit

CURSE YOU PAPA JOHNS AND YOU TASTY BUT ACID REFLUX INDUCING PIZZAS

i can always laugh

it is amazing how soon you can so hard you fall out of your chair.



if you don't get it. it is ok. it's a mariokart joke.

click on it for a full size version

my mouth is dry

I don't know how to feel about it.

i grew up with him. i grew up kind of idolizing him and now he's dead


I just found out that Wayne, a friend from Tooele just O.D. on drugs.

i keep crying but i can't justify the tears in my head they just aren't logical.

i don't know why i am writing this on a fucking blog I just can't seem to say

he's dead

out loud.