really personal stuff here, and long phew how long

i have lots of negative emotions right now most involving jealousy.

first you see i recently sold my motorcycle to my father and watched him drive away with it. i didn't think i would miss it too much but i do a little and something Rachael said made me sad that day but i didn't realize that was it til recentlier. she said she missed the sound of my motorcycle and for a strange reason that hit me a couple of ways neither of which i know she intended them. she would never say anything to hurt me she is so wonderful.

first it reminded me of how much i will miss that sound i really enjoyed the kind of pride that came with it. and secondly i remembered how "sexy" she once said (a while back, when i first got it) i was on it and i didn't want to give that up either. i got really jealous of my father and now john just got a motorcycle today, mitch is fixing his and yoshi (a friend form st. george) just picked his up.

stupid me i will get over it.

i had my motorcycle times i need to grow up and enjoy the adult car i have now the toyota prius, which i do love so very much, but there still is a part of me that wants to ride a motocycle now and again. if you never have you might not understand just how amazing and confident it can make you feel.

The rest of this is kinda personal but that is what blogs and journals are for i guess.

Personal stuff click to read if you want

so me and Rachael have been together for years now. our tentative anniversary of being together is coming up in August i don't think either of us knows and exact date or she does and i am just dumb, but we have actually broken up twice in our relationship. both of which we got back together, and our relationship is stringer because of it, thank goodness for that. she means the world to me, more important than Roman Noodles, popcorn, or any motorcycle combined (anyone who knows me know how big that is). she is on the top of my list, or pyramid (she made me an awesome upside down pyramid once i loved it).

anyhow i digress, during our first time apart she lived in nephi and we where still friends and she told me an old friend of our "zen" was coming to visit and in he had in a flirty way asked to cuddle with her, and this drove me nuts i hated the idea and i became sooo jealous. i hated "Zen" for it. nothing happened between the two of them and that is not the problem but i still for some reason resented "Zen" for this. i have this strong feeling of betrayal towards him and the situation. i know Rachael and i were not together at the time, but i felt really betrayed at the time and it has not gone away.

thankfully Rachael and my relationship is much stronger now i haven't gotten jealous like that since. i love the fact that she has guy and girl friends i have met some of her guy friend in Nephi and in St. George and i was glad she had these friendships. i mean i have female friends and i can't expect her to be cool with that if i am not in return. anyway in a long way i just said i have dealt with my jealousy issues (what little there was) and it is no longer a problem.

i had gotten past this "Zen" or so i thought and never thought about it for a long time, but he contacted me recently and told me he was going to be in SLC (which is where i am for the summer)and wanted to hang out. all the betrayal emotions came back i have these really strong emotions towards him i and fear i don't see him the same way i used to. i want to be his friend and be as close as we were but this stupid betrayal feeling keeps coming back.

the worst part of this is i am sure he has no idea i have never told him.

How do i get back to being friends?

finally this is why i hate being home it always takes me back to that neurotic child fearing all these irrational and unneeded fears. like right now i can't help feeling this blog will destroy my entire world somehow send everything i know into a horrible downward spiral. i have no idea how but that stupid obsessive compulsiveness is taking over again.