The Unwilling Man

2011-01-20T17:42:00.001-08:00

Sorry kinda Stopped using this blog.

I have started using my photo blog a lot more though you can find me there more often....

2010-07-09T14:32:00.000-07:00

Last night was the Modest Mouse concert. it was crowded estimated 40,000 plus people there according to the Salt Lake Tribune. I was only one person I was supposed to find some friends there the likely hood was very faint.

Infact I even lost the people I came with, but that is how I like it. I prefer to be alone at a concert. one I really enjoy the music more when no one is talking to me and I really move around a lot during a show and in a group people tend to stay stationary. BORING!!

so I had a great time alone singing loudly and dancing around like an idiot by myself.

here is a sample of some pics I took when I was tired from dancing.

now I must go to work tonight here is a machine I will be in close contact with for the next 4 days.

Another night out on the shoot.

2010-06-26T18:19:00.000-07:00

Last night was a strange night. I started my night heading to a fatal car crash.

Sad and lame story behind this point, be warned.

sad to say but it was going as usual. sad to say that their is a usual for deadly car crashes, but i digress. it was usual for me it was pitch black there was a mangled car in front of me and my camera and police and the usual by-stander walking around me seeming not to notice me (which is what I like I would rather go unnoticed at these things). now remember I have my eye and full attention on the camera and its viewing lens so the world around me is black in both visual and auditory nothing to distract me.

I can hear a non descriptive conversation between a few people behind me but I go on not noticing it until the woman screams out in what can only be described as fear, pain and desperation. No movie will ever be able to recreate this sound. her screams of pain in finding out her 17 year old son was dead is now permanently scared into my memories. I had goosebumps and chills for the rest of the time I was on the scene. This poor woman was on the ground balling just feet away from me. I felt to afraid to move until her husband carried her to her vehicle where her crying was still audible behind all the vehicle and noise of a crash.

I cried for a moment before I left the scene. the part that bugs me is I have no idea why I began crying once I was alone in my vehicle but I had to compose myself before leaving.

but later in the evening I had a very serene moment. Utah had a view of the partial Lunar Eclipse and I was to film it. so I sat next to a lake listening to the ducks that surrounded me having sooo many conversations while I filmed the moon traveling across the night sky. it was such a quiet and perfect moment. and Arcade Fire's music in my headphones hung around my neck made for an amazing moment. I like to think the ducks where talking about how much they enjoyed the Arcade Fire in that moment as much as I did.

here is a sample of the music that made my night perfect.

finally I snapped some pics to remember the night.
I apologize for the quality it was with my camera phone.

Stay Close this is Bat Country

2010-05-21T11:34:00.000-07:00

I headed to a few days in Vegas by myself to decompress form all the bad and good shit that has happened over the last few months. Also I got a $1,000 tax refund and decided to "Brewster's Millions" the refund.

My Puppy was not excited she snuggled with me trying to get me stay.

I had to go despite the cute puppy

I got a chance to stop in My college town and visit lots of old friends. I got into town about 2 am so i decided on a whim to camp out for the night.I went to walmart and purchased tent and slept in the park. when I awoke I noticed a man sleeping on a bench near me I asked him in he needed a tent and gave him the tent I bought last night. I was a good start to the day.

this is how i look after camping in a park. still pretty sexy, huh?

I spent the day visiting old friends like Erin, Beckster, Jared, the old Starbuck's crew. It the perfect start to a decompression vacation.

I headed for Vegas that night and got into town around 7pmish. Just when the day begins in Vegas. I Checked into the Planet Hollywood Casino and started spending money foolishly.

If anyone knows the Bar Bryan you know I LOVE "Washington Apples"

2 oz Crown Royal® Canadian whisky
2 oz DeKuyper® Sour Apple Pucker schnapps
2 oz cranberry juice

Delish.

I had around 40 of these over the course of the next 3 days. The drinking made traveling a challenge I found myself lost and heading towards the only lights I could see an Instacare which ended up being the Hard Rock Hotel. I played craps and met some friends. eventually I made my way to the ticket counter to purchase "Minus the Bear" after drunkly arguing with the ticket lady about not being able to buy tickets my soon to be new friend Carl explained to me that they were playing at the "House of Blues" not where I was. Carl and I had a good night of hanging and gambling. the next morning Carl and I ate breakfast. well it was noon but I had recently woke up and it was Crepes so that is breakfast to me. Carl dressed up for breakfast. this is him.

I sadly had only a tuxedo to wear.

I spent the day shopping. I got some new shoes.

And ate in this restaurant which I still say looks like a Giant penis. It is located at the new Aria Casino on the strip. I at in what could only be described as the testicles of the wooden shaft.

That night I was going to the Minus the Bear concert.

I was the Fucking Awesome MTB puts on a great show.

Made back to the Planet Hollywood after the show in time for the poker tournament. I didn't win bu 15th is not a bad finish made it to the final two tables.

I finished the trip off the only way to finish off a trip to Vegas by getting a tattoo at the Hart & Hunington Shop in The Hard Rock. here is my newest beauty

parasomnia is not just a bad movie from 2008

2010-05-15T17:27:00.001-07:00

I started sleep walking again last night.

Well it is a form of sleep walking call parasomnia. I dream some experience then I dream that I am doing something to rectify that previous dream, and I find out the next day that I was actually doing that.

take last night for example I had a dream that my bed was crawling with bugs. and apparently I got up and asked my family to spray me with bug spray (which luckily they did not). after they refused I went back to bed. so not a big experience but it usually starts small and eventually gets stranger.

last time woke I found myself in my car a block from home. scary to think I could drive in my sleep.

I will keep you updated to any changes or escalations.

Making new memories reluctantly

2010-05-04T10:23:00.000-07:00

I grew up in the Salt Lake area for more than a majority of my life. save just over a year I traveled and lived in other states and the time in college I have never really known anyone home. I know this city as second nature, but the way I see it is transforming.

I have been working in Salt Lake City as a photojournalist for about 5 months now and landmarks are beginning to have different meanings to me. I have noticed this a bit the last little while but yesterday the feeling was just too strong to not notice.

I was leaving a business and heading back to the station. The area felt familiar I thought maybe I had lived in the area but I was wrong. i was passed by a black truck and the memory came rushing back. I was at this same intersection about 6 weeks ago trying to film a car wreck without getting too much blood in the shot. A woman had been hit and killed by a person who ran through a stop sign. I remembered every detail of the bloody aftermath. i shivered in my seat.

Earlier that day I was in Provo near BYU Campus and I was not thinking of the memory of the State swimming tournament I went to in high school. The strongest memory was of the funeral I was sent down to cover. this morbid reminiscent feeling came to me multiple times that day.

I am afraid that eventually the entire city I grew up in and loved with be just a collection of morbid puzzle pieces. That every landmark will be stained with the blood of some unfortunate stranger who I will never meet in pleasant circumstances.

The only defense I have is to create some amazing new memories in this city. so here is your invitation to help me create good memories in Salt Lake. Let's go have some fun. I am starting it off right by going to a Murs concert tonight. (I am very excited)

Alone in the crowd

2010-04-27T12:14:00.001-07:00

I went to the Japanese Festival in downtown Salt Lake this Saturday. I was going to go with some pals but through different circumstances I missed them all. It was ok though I still had a good time.

I took lots of photos you can see my two photo galleries here (the cosplay one) and here (the rest of the fest) . on the second gallery my photos start at #32.

While I was walking through the crowd with my headphones I had a funny thought. With as anti social I can be silent under the headphones it is amazing that i have friends...

so here is a thank you to all those who have broken the music barrier and gotten to know me. you all rock.

great night with an EX (seems to be the theme of my life)

2010-04-22T21:07:00.000-07:00

Me and Kit got together tonight to go watch a movie "Kick Ass" and it did just that. Great movie nice tightrope walk between superhero homage and parody. Despite the good movie the highlight of the night for me was the return of the old Bryan.

I was in fine form tonight. I said "low hanging nut-sack," "titty fuck," "blowjob," among many other possibly offensive things in plain public. I also explained why a hand-job is a great payment for a movie ticket to my elderly ticket saleslady (hey she asked and laughed afterwards so get over it).

why is this a good thing? some of you new to the world of Bryan might be asking, but those elders to my ways remember this as the old Bryan. A sexual man not afraid of offending (with good taste of knowing when not to take it to this in certain situations).

For some reason I have been suppressing this part of my personality. I have been sooo tame. I didn't realized how much I missed this part of me. Thanks to Kit for being the Ginnie pig for me.

A Day to Remember

2010-04-08T13:44:00.000-07:00

If and when I leave Utah for good yesterday will one of the days I will think of when I reminisce about my time in the LDS State.

Good lunch with Good company, wonderful utah only weather, communicating with old friends and a relaxing end to the day in a hot tub people watching.

I don't know if I told a lot of people but Rachael and I's relationship have transitioned into friendship, but if I haven't here is your update (read above). Today Rachael and I met for a lunch and to give each other a few things we still had of the others. I arrived early as I always do and when I pulled up I parked near her car. She was even earlier than me. suddenly I got a huge lump in my throat and instantly my midn began rushing through all the negative things that could happen and the wheel of misfortune came to rest on the idea that she might have found a new boy and she brought him to this lunch. Now anyone who knows Rachael knows she wouldn't do something like this, but at the same time anyone who knows me knows that I rush to the most negative of circumstances and fixate on how this is going to go.

This did help me come to the realization that no matter how OK I am with the break-up I will still fill a little remorse once she moves on, which inevitably she will. I have no delusions about this. I think this is a normal reaction. It is difficult to think that there is someone who will be better for someone you care so much about. When it comes to that moment I know we will both handle it with maturity and care for each other. It will just show how much we can care about each other's feelings still. So I hope Rachael find someone that will make her happy forever, and the same for me, I just hope that we will be honest with each other and remain a part of each other's lives.

(funny note I have never even thought about me moving on and if that will effect her I guess that is a little selfish, but I really just have not even began to think about any future relationships)

This is the first shitty thing I have notice about being single is that I now seem to notice how girls react to me in public again. That is a nice thing about a relationship is that you always know that people you might be attracted to opinions don't mean squat compared to the person you are relationing.

After I went through all the worst case scenarios I noticed Rachael's old and her sister's new car next to hers and figured she came early to go shopping with her sister and we would all go to lunch, and that is a very much more Rachael thing to do. I can't count the number of meals I ate with Rachael and her sisters/brother.

I was smiling really big on the drive home from lunch partially because of the delicious meal form The old spaghetti factory, partially from how good the meal went, and a large part of this was the beautiful weather Utah had this day.

It is April and my front lawn still has snow waiting to melt on it. Lately Utah's weather has been horrible. Tooele received over a foot and a half of snow in the past 4 days and has been below freezing for most of the last week. yesterday it was warm sunny and blue skies.

This beautiful weather along with the white and black mountain backdrop made for some breath taking scenery.

The scenery was complimented perfectly by reconnecting with some friends from St. George. Take a day or two to not rely on social networks to update you on old friends and let them tell you in voice how they are doing. these conversations can be soo refreshing.

Finally my day ending with me soaking in a hot tub relaxing tension out of muscles. I had just finished my first ever attempt at a Breast stroke and butterfly swimming technique. An attempt so comical that if Gold's Gym's security cams for that hour ever got out it would be an instant viral video and I would be forever known as the "Pool Seizure Guy."

The heat form the hot tub was the perfect thing to release not only the tension from the hour long convulsion fit I had just performed in the pool, but also for everything else that was melting away (mentally and physically).

So thank you to all those who contributed to yesterdays fine memories. I need to go back to the fetal position as my stomach is currently spasming from the first time use of the muscle required to swim the way I would have liked to yesterday.

My own personal Gallery

2010-02-13T21:46:00.001-08:00

I gave teh web guys at work my Photos from the 2010 Tattoo Convetion to work and they made a gallery for them feel free to browse em HERE.

cognoscor ego sum (I am known therefor I am) Part #1

2010-02-02T23:03:00.000-08:00

For no reason at all here is a list of musicians I could love simply for there voice (all though they are all amazing musicians otherwise).

1. Leonard Cohen

Here is a great example of how his voice can create a mood. This is his song "Everybody Knows" and his deep gritty voice defines the depressing message of this song.

(other note he wrote the original version of the "hallelujah")

2. Tricky

Incase you are among the large percentage of people who have never heard Tricky let be the first to welcome to the other side of the road. Even if you never enjoy Trip Hop (a genre of music invented by Tricky and Goldie) you can't deny that his voice (which is not changed electronically) is mesmerizing.

3. Bob Dylan

Don't think I could make this list without mentioning Bob Freakin Dylan. His voice is almost as famous as he is. The music world would be unrecognizable without the influence of Dylans voice. Just imagine how bad this would sound sung by "Brittney Spears" as a matter of fact don't. Save yourself the pain.

4. Johnny Cash

This one is kinda personal. My voice dropped at the ripe age of 8. Needless to say I was pretty embarrassed being the only 8 year old with a voice deeper than his fathers, but my father used to sing Johnny cash with me to make me feel better about my voice (which by the way wasn't as bad as I felt it was the mind). It helped. So, this one goes out to my dad. he spent a good chunk of my life making me feel ok about being Bryan. This is just 1 example.

5. Nina Simone

Here is the 1st lady on the list. I can't really remember a time when I haven't heard Nina's voice. I must thank my family for bringing an abundance of influence into my life and allowing me to choose for myself which ones I wanted to follow. This is one of Ms. Simones songs that has always felt right to me. For one of the few things I want is to be understood.

6. Elliot Smith

There are too many amazing songs by E.S. to post em all. His imperfectly toned voice is the perfect fit for the beautifully painful lyrics he filled his songs with. With every word you could hear his pain and feel a little better knowing you are not alone in yours. I know this is a bit sappy but the next time you are sad just listen to E.S. and you will understand.

this is just part one of this blog stay tuned for the rest of my choices.

my time in st. george wanes

2009-10-02T18:10:00.000-07:00

This is the view of the moon from my bed last night. my window gave me three moons at the same time.

Here is someones lost photo that I found on my walk with my puppy "Nibler"

and for no other reason my puppy looking cute.

Sneezing
and Stretching

holy crazy weather Batman

2009-07-29T19:27:00.000-07:00

we had a lightning storm with nearly 1,000 lightning strikes. so I set up my camera and got a few strikes.

cade trying to be too cool playing guitar hero

2009-07-27T14:25:00.000-07:00

saw Pee Wee hermen

2009-07-25T10:53:00.000-07:00

and thankfully I had a camera.

and then thankfully I got to edit the video.

Enjoy

Pee Wee Soulja Boy
Video sent by wabysaby

Peewee Hermen rocks Soulja Boy's "Crank That"

beastie boys Yauch announces his cancer over a webcam

2009-07-20T11:20:00.000-07:00

this is a sign of the age we live in.

I hope it works out for him.

enjoying the park

2009-07-18T15:55:00.000-07:00

My Puppy's favorite activity: a day at the park with me unleashed.

plus i really like this song.

here is the whole thing.

My Harry Potter night

2009-07-16T14:53:00.000-07:00

I got to put together a package for the news on the Harry Potter opening night. It was pretty fun but it made me miss Rachael a bit more. I hope her harry potter night was even more fun.

just some stuff I did

2009-07-03T22:58:00.000-07:00

Some video I took of a suspected Bomb inside Albertson's in St. George.

what a day.

Also today this headline made me smile. I gets better with every word.

Two Mexican Midget Wrestlers Killed by Fake Prostitutes

there you have my day and now it is over cause i got to get up early to go film some political protest at 9 am. this will not be as fun as watching a bomb blow up.

my co-workers

2009-06-28T18:54:00.000-07:00

This is my boss. his name is Carl Arky he has a pretty good sense of humor. he thinks this is Gangsta.
This is Rachelle (i am not sure how to spell her name correctly). she is the only girl in a production truck full of boys. she is very patient. she also has to deal with the anchors who can be very very childish at times. her job is one that i want.

Trina here is our five o'clock anchor and another producer. she has a very good sense of humor as well and her child is too adorable to not mention. (no pic of child)

Ian Cole is a news/sports reporter for the station he is great at going between the serious world of news to the entertaining world of sports. and he does a good "bro" voice dude.

Our Director Gerri is excellent at what he does and is not afraid to admit when he makes a mistake. he is teaching me a lot about camera work.

Alana Brophy is another anchor (for the 9 pm show) she has a new york accent that she hides a lot of the time but it does leak out once in a while with words like boston and coffee or apperently when she is angry but i have yet to make her that angry yet.
Chance is Alana's counterpart for the 9 show the two of them together are like two 5 year old brother and sisters. it is fun to listen to them bicker at each other.

here is our Graphics girl. if it a picture or words on the screen this girl did it she does a lot. and she likes "Night Rider" the television show a little too much for some strange reason.

Lastly our Weather man Jared this guy complains a lot but he gets his job done and adlibs stuff all show i respect that.

my new best bud

2009-06-24T22:20:00.000-07:00

this is a video of my new doggy she is a pug.

I call her Klinger because well 3 reasons

1. I love mash and klinger is a great character who is a crossdresser

2. my dog is a girl but everyone (including me) keeps referring to her as a boy/him so she is kinda like a crossdresser

3. and finally she is very clingy she is currently cuddling up with my toes.

she is very good dog she is house trained and on walks stays right by me and does not bark a lot.

she is kinda winey when left alone but only if she can hear someone and can't see them.

well i hope you enjoyed your introduction to my new buddy.

5 oclock in the AM

2009-06-20T04:06:00.000-07:00

my AC is broken and in St. George that can be a freakin killer. it is currently 92 degrees in my room. so as you may well imagine i can not sleep.

I am just lying here annoyed and lonely. I am tired of being lonely. I sit here a lot of nights thinking about whether other people are thinking about me or whether they think of me at all. when you are isolated geographically from a lot of the people your mind can be your worst enemy. planting ideas in itself and filling your thoughts with strange quotas.

it really is difficult to explain but let me just say that I am lonely. It seems to happen mostly on the weekend, but the disgruntled feeling i have towards the crazy heat (that is only going to get worse), my broken AC, my inability to sleep, and other negative thoughts are all combining to a very un-Bryan like "me" at the moment.

or maybe it is very Bryan like and i just only see it at times. If it is I apologize to all those who have to deal with my disgruntled and angry ways.

either way: I need sleep. I am off to jump into a quick cooling shower then try this whole sleep thing again. thankfully I don't have to get up early. wish me luck!

my week so far

2009-06-17T21:33:00.000-07:00

This week i got ot film my boss get his blood draw.

I also got to do pet of the week and just today i got to meet and interview this really good and fun artist. she is going up north to do the street chalk festival up at the gateway mall. so if you happen to go the the chalk art festival this friday/saturday try and find her this is the painting she will be recreating at the festival.

tell her i enjoy the reprint she gave me. this is a picture of it.

kinda creepy but i think its beautiful.

start off with something simple

2009-06-11T08:26:00.000-07:00

I could explain why its been so long but instead I will just put this up with a promise to blog more often.

my new job

2009-05-14T06:59:00.000-07:00

so i have been workin at KCSG for just over two weeks and they have finally let me start doing stuff on my own.

I have done a lot of video for weather, sports and other news stories so i decided to put some up to prove that i really do work.

here is a video that I took for a protest of a road closure now the one hear you will have to forgive the weird audio on the reporter outside the BLM that is a live shot and i had nothing to do with but the audio being sent via satellite was just awful.

"the video is here"

kinda cool is that the video and interviews i shot was requested by KSL. KSL is a larger television station in northern utah. so my work was on two stations the audio on this one is much better.

Video Courtesy of KSL.com

I have been doing lots of video and today i will probably going up to Cedar City to meet and interview Mark Eaton. an ex Utah Jazz basketball player. woot. I can ad another to the tally of famous people i have met.

He is over 7'4" so i might come up to his waist. this should be interesting i will have to stand on a table to meet him.

first week out of school and at work

2009-05-10T10:21:00.000-07:00

being graduated feels pretty much the same as not being graduated. I started working at KCSG so far I am just shadowing watching how they do everything. I have been doing most of it for the last few years at the college so it is just me learning how they do it. I am pretty sure mostly I will be doing audio on the live broadcast of the news and being photojournalist for the anchors. so pretty much making the anchors look and sound good.

I have been really busy all week all the way up til Saturday when i got up at 6 am to drive 2 hours both ways to record a protest. i sent the story up to KSL in salt lake for their broadcast as well I don't know if they will use it but they asked for it.

so far work is pretty fun and pretty busy.

so busy that I didn't get to really talk to Rachael until Saturday night. she told me she is planning a few trips with friends. I am happy see is getting to see old friends and visit seattle (if she does get to go) but part of me is a bit jealous, st. George can be so boring sometimes.

I am really looking forward to the cruise we get to go on. i have never even been on a boat before. ever. thinking about that is kinda funny. i have never stepped on a boat before. not that i can remember.

so that is my week pretty fun and lots of new things.

lastly I still have a big portion of the ice cream cake Rachael bought me if anyone wants some i can't eat it all by myself.

My live camera work reel

2009-03-31T12:06:00.000-07:00

child hood memories brought to life

2009-03-25T22:28:00.001-07:00

i have been searching for pics and news about this film since i heard that is was being filmed. i have read this book over 500 times (and i am not exaggerating i read it once a day for about year when i was 7). i always wanted to know how other saw this relatively short story and now i can share it with other people. i don't care if it is not exactly as i pictured it growing up but it will be nice to have a shared experience like this.

and hearing Arcade Fires "wake up" over this trailer was beyond perfect. i felt that chill i got as a young boy again imagining what my fear and adventure would be come to life.

finally to have spike jonze direct it makes me happy inside he has doen work for beastie boys, daft punk, weezer, and many other bands that shaped the Bryan you know today.

i could say 1000 things about this movie but i will let the preview do it for me.

Where The Wild Things Are - Theatrical Trailer |

i am

2009-03-22T18:32:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it takes a moment as simple as riding down the road on the bike and feeling the wind on your face to make you realize you are actually happy. I have been pretty happy lately and have less worries.

I have accepted all things i can't change including how people feel about me.

i have decided to change the things i can like how much time i spend reading.

i was returning from a trip to the gas station and traveling at full speed down the road and suddenly felt the wind and the rest of my senses dulled and i was just enjoying the moment. the world went slow motion and i just felt completely happy.

its been a weird week

2009-03-13T14:31:00.000-07:00

so far this week I have

1. forgotten my wallet at home twice
2. lost and found my USB drive
3. worn my underwear inside out a whole day without noticing
4. had a DSC Camera package in my car for 36 hours without even realizing it was in there.
5. walked into a heated argument at work and had to stand there dumbfounded the whole time so i could get the teachers signature

and along side all of this Rachael Visit.

Rachael's visit was a strange one. she talked more about us ntot ending up together than us ending up together and me being a believer in "Self Fulfilling Prophecies" that makes me worry.

it did on the other hand require me to face the idea that me and Rachael could end up not together and subsequently become ok with the idea. i don't like the idea but sometimes there is nothing you can do and all i can do is be like Bryan used to be.

Living my life and letting things fall the way they do. so if I seem a bit different I apologize (sorta) but facing that idea made me realize that I can do no more.

as far as the otehr things this week I feel a week off for spring break will do me some good. i get to go to vegas for a night to visit old friends and then i get to go help the Mickelsons begin the remodel of the restaurant, and hopefully I can get a hair cut from my favorite stylist Becky back here in st. george.

tonight i am off to run audio for an orchestra for the CEC television station. this is something i have never done audio for so wish me luck.

My pal Becky

2009-03-09T12:17:00.000-07:00

my pal Beckster just got a job at Super Cuts in St. George Utah

SUPERCUTS: PROMENADE AT RED CLIFFS

245 RED CLIFFS DR STE 12

ST.GEORGE, UT 84790

(435) 688-8080

Bravo Youn lady Bravo

this ones for you

mystery science theater continues

2009-03-02T12:11:00.000-08:00

so you can get "Rifftracks" of new movies at: rifftrax

rifftracks are the audio track that you can play along with movies and watch newer movies mystery science theater 3000 style.

here are two examples

HARRY POTTER

X-MEN

so for like 3 bucks you can get these for the whole movie. it makes me oh so happy.

IPOD on random can make or break your day

2009-02-25T12:07:00.000-08:00

Weezer's cover of "The Weight" by the The Band came on my IPOD by random and it made my morning sooo much better.

have any experiences that are similar of Random making or breaking your day?

today i treated myself

2009-02-22T12:32:00.001-08:00

with one of these:

trying to blog more often

2009-02-18T12:55:00.001-08:00

so if you want to hear the station i run here is the link to listen over the interweb thingy.

D-91 Radio

the luxor vegas trip.

2009-02-16T21:48:00.000-08:00

for valentine's day Rachael and I went to Vegas for two nights. Vegas is a pretty common trip for us but it is just so close and such a great place to visit.

we stayed at the Luxor hotel and got to stay inside the pyramid. (i personally had no idea that there were even rooms outside of the pyramid but Rachael showed me to second tower so i guess it was an added bonus)

Here is a picture of the view from just outside our room on the inside.

pretty frightening and dizziefying.

here is the view from the other side otherwise known as the outside.

it is hard to tell but the window is slanted. both Rachael and I hit our head on it while trying to see farther down outside the window.

We didn't do much it was a pretty lazy trip to Vegas. lazy trips can be nice.

this is Rachael lying in one of the two beds we had in our room.

we slept on each of them one per night.

Lamby guarded the door some times (or maybe just the last little bit.)

i like this pic it looks like lamby is trying to open the door.

that is a summary of the trip to Vegas. i have noticed that i only have been blogging lately after a trip to see or with Rachael so i need to blog more often sorry i will get on that.

my weekend

2009-01-18T22:29:00.000-08:00

It was a usual weekend in Nephi except nothing was usual.

it was Michael, Rachael's brother, and his fiance's wedding so everything had to be perfect. EVERYTHING we spent at least 4 hours hanging drapes yep i said hanging drapes and we could still find imperfections.

i got bored half way through and took pictures of my feet.

Rachael got bored too and took pictures of me testing out my new camera

in return i took a picture or 2 of her making a very typical Rachael face:

in the end the wedding seemed to go ok. everyone seemed to relax shortly afterward and the feeling was nice.

It was a short visit I left on Sunday but before i left Rachael performed an I-health treatment on me i found out i was an Earth which probably means nothing to most folks but means a lot to her and her family. i will learn more about it too.

me and her dad talked about stuff that happened in the past with me and for the first time in a long time i had memories about it.

from here on out it gets reaallly honest so be prepared.

i was lying in bed after my session and i had very distinct memories about the past incidents not just memories but i remembered things like how we (me and the girl when i was young i won't go into details about this) got into the sexual part of the friendship/babysitership side of the relationship. word for word detail. i even remembered how everything felt. i was a little embarrassed because it felt arousing and kind of exciting, but nothing gross just mentally i felt similar things that i was feeling at the original time. it felt good to think about this it made the incident more real, not just a story i tell people to help explain my obsessions. i remembered how she felt how i felt it was a very real experience but it felt good to experience it again. i don't know how to explain it but i feel just a little bit better about the whole experience knowing that i have some control over it even if that control is just the ability to remember it.

i don't expect anyone to understand just know that i feel ok about remembering it. enough of the serious stuff i had a very fun trip up north. me and Rachael had a good chuckle at one of her cousins referring to herself as a "fluffer" on a photo shoot she meant dress fluffer though. hehe

i also got to meet her old kinda friend blaine and i say her actual friend Linlee (i apologize but i have never spelled that name before).

all in all a good weekend in the little town of Nephi

some things i learned about love

2008-12-28T17:58:00.000-08:00

While up in Nephi for Christmas i learned a few things about that crazy little word called love:

1. how Rachael sees the word: if i understood right she saw that word used way too much as a kid from her family without as she put it "really meaning it," (ie.. love yah) and so she feels that the word should only be used when she truly feels it at that moment. it is not that she doesn't always love me she just feels an unspoken love is just as strong or stronger.

2. how i see the word: i rarely heard that word in my house an in the little times that it is used by my family is for reassurance that everything will be OK and i still love you even through the stumbles. so i like to hear it a lot more than most people cause if i don't hear it i get to my worrying ways and begin to thing something is wrong.

3. how it can make things worse: because of the aforementioned view of mine when Rachael is feeling down i feel a need to tell her that i love her to reassure. i think i am helping when in reality i am probably just reminding her of how the word can be thrown around and help nothing. so i am learning to tell her i love her by leaning up against her. and staying near her.

4. how Rachael shows it without saying it: i said this before but she holds my leg under the table and how good that makes me feel, but she does other things too. she apologizes for being angry when she does not need to, she thins of ways for both of us to get the blanket coverage we both want. she worries how much I like her gifts (she is a very good gift giver and i have yet to like any so far). these are just a few example of how she shows her love without having to say it.

fond memories of early comedic genius Alec Baldwin

2008-12-17T11:27:00.000-08:00

so i forgot how completely hilarious this is for all those who love alec baldwin this is some of his early comedy entitled Schwetty Weiner

taking a break

2008-12-14T12:24:00.000-08:00

I have been writing my papers for school constantly for the last four days and I am taking a break to listen to some some classic music. take the time to have a break and enjoy these classics like i did.

Dusty Springfield "Son of a Preacher Man"

Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird"

Pink Floyd "Wish you Where Here"

The Who "Babba O Riely"

Led Zeppelin "Stairway to Heaven"

an the ball has begun to roll

2008-12-03T13:24:00.000-08:00

i must apologize for the next two weeks in advance. these will be soooooo busy i will be lost in my own little world of school.

list of things i am doing this week and next

1. rhetorical analysis paper on barrack obama's acceptance speech and presentation
2. 20 page communication research paper
3. sales meetings 4-5 with people who might want to buy advertising with our station (i hate hate sales)
4. Disney corporation financial strength paper and presentation
5. budget report television story and edit
6. rotary bowl brodcast saturday 8am-5pm
7. recording DJs for rotary bowl
8. finding music for rotary bowl game broadcast
9. record football practice
10. finish project for pre-production class
11. record last news show for DSC disclosure class

wow and more is adding. sorry once again if i disappear for a bit.

Chicago trip numero 2 never mind the misspells i suck at spelling

2008-11-25T18:32:00.000-08:00

my trip to Chicago was cooooold and tiring

this is Rachael's pop Mr. Mickelson he paid for my plain ticket and he treats me like a part of the family. he is a very generous man he helps out anyone who needs and deserves it. just any of the number of people he has opened his house to.

I called him J.C. for most of this trip and it made me nervous. see i am used to just calling him sir but there were too many sirs there to get his attention when i needed it. and i needed it alot he let me do very important things this time like building part of the display even though i was unsure about myself but he was very good at letting me know i was doing just fine.

This is Omni Flux (yes that is his real name he had it leagaly changed and i didn't care to ask why) he was my partner in building things and was mo patient than myself he is cutting some part of the scenery i put together that was to be later moved to allow a tree in its place. we redid a lot of the stuff we built but for our first time we did alright i guess. oh yah he is another one of those people mr. Mickelson has opened his house too. he has lived with the family twice now.

this is Rachael's mom she is doing something i can't remember what but she did a lot of things that no one will notice, but they would have if they weren't done. just like a mom.

Rachael was her helper a lot of the time which can be boring just check out that bored look on her face. not really rachael is just full of funny faces. it is one of my favorite things about her.

the whole family is a funny face kinda family even her sister celeste, although in this pic the face is one of pain she has dust and wood in her eye. a perfect time for a photo opertunity. hehe

even the dad makes funny faces. sometimes i wounder if she learned it from him or if he learned it from her.

in the picture above they are stairing at what i have dubbed Mickelson Corner.
and Ta-Da here is that corner.

pretty cool huh it is a miniture of the place where the Chicago Bears' stadium and they did the planting around it. the whole family was there building. I was off under the instruction of Paula making other parts of the display "flowerific"

these are 2 places i decorated and that silver thing is a replica of a metal bean sculpture in Chicago not the tin man mooning you. which we did watch wizard of oz well the girls watched it twice i only saw it once.

let me go off on a rant about the wizard of oz that has bothered me as long as i can remember. when the scarecrow get hsi reward he says "The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side." this is supposed to be hime getting brains and knowing the Pythagorean theorem but this is wrong it is a right triangle. ugh a stupid thing to be urked about but still annoying to me. ok back to chicago.

I consider this to be my trail. i made it as a thing to pass the time til paula or paula gave me my next task but noone noticed it and it stayed. so if you go to see the exhibit at the chicago botanical gardens and you see wood chips it was because i was bored. nowhere else is chips seen. sorry.

oh my goodness this is my newest favorite picture of Rachael. i said before she is full of faces and i just love this one. it is her "REAAAAAALLLLLLYYYY" face. she does it when i say something she is not sure of it is her way of asking me oh really huh?

oh yah this is just me tryin to fit into the funny face family. hope i didn't to bad.

more building stuff.

this picture is nothing too important but the guy on the left is Brian he had ot leave because his wife is gonna have a baby real real soon. we has a few poeple leave early but we still gone done a day before schedule hooray for us.

these are just some early pics of us (well mostly rachael and celeste) moving in the train tracks.

hey i was helping i was perserving the memories.

Rachaels even littler sister Heather came along this trip but she spen most of her time in the green houses poor girl she was soooo bored as the rest of us worked bor like 8-9 hours a day.

this is her (Heather) she is 10 or 8 or something like that.

more moving tracks and stuff

ahh the classic bryan and rachael trip pictures. rachael's face and me standing in the hotel room. now that's some awesome memories.

at the end i was tired but felt good about the work i did. i had fun and i got to spend time with the girl i love. so chigaco was pretty cool.

hope you enjoyed my story.

movies i want to see #2 or 3 i can't remember

2008-11-22T21:19:00.000-08:00

YES

Monsters vs. aliens

Transporter 3

UP

The beautiful truth

My girlfriend and I made a video

2008-11-11T23:03:00.000-08:00

get your mind out of the gutter. it was a video chat.

i discovered Google chat with video mail, and i had a video chat with my love. well i was on video and she discovered she had a hidden microphone on her lappy (i blame the CIA) talking to her always makes my day.

so that what its like to be on the winning side

2008-11-04T21:43:00.000-08:00

another thing that makes me happy

2008-11-02T22:24:00.000-08:00

Keb' Mo' is a blues musician that i have recently discovered and I can't stop listening to. here is a listen for you to enjoy.

i hope you enjoy this as much as i did.

Folsom Prison Blues

Dirty low down and bad

America the beautiful

and last but not least

Dangerous Mood

night and have a good "get rid of George Bush day" on Tuesday no matter how you vote.

watch it then read my down low blog.

2008-10-30T08:10:00.000-07:00

hopeit makes at least a little more sense.

a fun new way to blog

2008-10-29T01:15:00.000-07:00

i am going to play a song and just right to the song

try and guess the song

here we go.

what if everything is alright and that is the problem. i get nervous in comfortable situations.

this discussion has to start some where tradition says so.

things i hate

driving, the insides of cars,
talking to old lost friends,
being next in line
walking alone with out headphones

I'm finished with staring people in the eye just to make them feel better.

by the way i feel just fine

everything is ok

things i do when i am nervouse

bight my fingers,
checking the light switches
scratching my palms
doing math problems in my head that give me head aches

things i used to rely on

psychologist and trusted people to tell me who i am.

i have been known to still do that from time to time

some day I'll still be fine the future seems easier

and everything is still ok

sometimes i need a reason to finish a conversation so i make one up,
but lets not get carried away with this process.

i really am just fine

other than i can't sleep.

night night folks see you again soon this is when the guitar fades out.

despite this message my life is pretty great.

i got a person to love and who loves me.
a job i like
somethings to look forward to; Chicago graduation Christmas (not necessarily in that order).
and a good connection with my family.

my new favorite picture of myself

the little things

2008-10-18T14:55:00.000-07:00

it is amazing how small things can brighten your whole day. a postcard from Rachael in France came to day and i have bee smiling ever since.

things that make me smile

2008-10-17T11:57:00.000-07:00

NoFX "Man I Killed"

When they tightly strap me in, give me lethal injection,
Just a more few minutes to live, no remorse for what I did,
It was for the betterment of man, I gave the utmost sacrifice,
Before more damage could be done I took his life.

There was a split second of silence when the dart punctured the skin,
Beady eyes rolled back in head, the body dropped from the poison,
They could incapacitate me, but could not erase my sneer,
I heard a thousand people screaming, while three billion others cheered,
He was gone, and I would soon be...

Executed by the state, all appeals would be in vain,
I was not criminally insane, in fact, I was found to be,
An otherwise caring and respectable member of society,
A minor threat except for that one that I killed.

As the sedatives take effect, I just smile and close my eyes,
There's a priest kneeling next to me, he asked me if I realized,
I was going straight to hell, and he thought that I should know,
That the man I killed's replacement planned this whole scenario,
And what I did had no significance at all.

lately things that

2008-10-15T14:23:00.001-07:00

Make me unhappy

1. lack of contact with Rachael. She is in Europe with Becky and Tess and with limited communicability. I read her blogs and her Google reader sharings but other than that no contact. i have emailed her a few time just saying hello but have got no hello in return i figure her blogs and shares a a hello but I still miss her, more than i thought I would.

2. My nightly bad dreams everything from wrecking my car, to losing a lot of money, to Rachael deciding to leave me, and many more. my nightmares are pretty common place but they usually are left in my slumber but lately i have started waking up quite abruptly from these an are unable to stop thinking about them til my alarm goes off.

3. Work is always stressful when it comes to the 15th time of the month it is payroll time and everyone seems to wait til the last moment to get me stuff than expect me to get it done before 5 pm on the 15th. ugg they have all month to get this stuff done why wait til now.

Make me happy

1. Animaniacs. this is a show i watched growing up they had fun songs that taught me stuff like the country names

the state capitals

and The presidents names

this is a good memory that has made me smile lately

1.Puppy flowers

2. NPR news and podcasts
ever since my tape player went kaputs in my car i have become a big fan of NPR and its shows with shows like all things considered and Car talk they keep me prett entertained with out music.

3. getting paid to do what i like. i have been shooting football games and other events with a camera and or being the audio engineer for these things. and i get about 75-100 dollars for each shoot so i like this work alot i hope my career is filled with this kind of stuff it makes me excited for my career.

4. Added is a great website Ralph Wiggum for president

I found this site while finding the date for the Simpsons season 11 dvd which came out and my cousin bought but i was asked to wait on buying which i am.

more of bryans random internet finds

2008-10-07T14:56:00.000-07:00

this guy sings both parts

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Fun links that are my life right now

2008-10-02T14:44:00.000-07:00

i am currently the General Manager of this streaming online station D-91 you can listen to it HERE tell me which songs suck and which one rock your socks.

My Girlfriend Rachael is in Europe right now so my link to her is at her blog

I am enjoying this little choose your destiny movie Survive the Outbreak it is like those books as a child if you want to enter the dungeon go to page 132 if you want to leave go to page 145.

This movie Trailer looks kinda kewl. who doesn't a vampire for a girlfriend?

I have recently gotten into the Duck tails once again and watching episodes on you tube

those are just a few links that took up my day today and will be a part of days to come hope you enjoy.

Me

2008-09-25T14:15:00.001-07:00

I am feeling very lonely lately

google calander

2008-09-17T11:30:00.000-07:00

I finally put up my school schedule and new work schedule

this is for anyone who loves the final countdown

2008-09-02T20:16:00.000-07:00

please share this with everyone you know, especially rachael, becky, celeste and michael or anyone who loves "arrested developement"

I was doing the GOB magician poses all the way through.

It's the Final Cellodown!

oh my god i can't stop smilling

movies into books

2008-08-30T00:56:00.001-07:00

some of my favorite books are turning into movies finally

first by Chuck Palahniuk’s (of fight club fame) book "Choke"

Radiohead is even doing the soundtrack for it. woot woot.

and another of chuck's books "survivor" is making its debut in the film genre.

randomly

2008-08-16T00:29:00.000-07:00

i have begun to dig early november.

i know i am like 3-5 years too late but hate that is my style of workin it.

and this makes me happy

i don't know them but i love the fact that they made their own.

my new toy!!!!

2008-08-12T16:04:00.000-07:00

I got a graphics tablet from my parents this birthday and i can't put it down.

12 X 9 inches and i have already done two preliminary drawings for a comic i want to start.

#1

a possible front room idea i think i need more wall in it but my very first pic drawn with my electronic pen

#2

a character side shot for reference purposes. i used the aforementioned (last blog) wooden figure that Rachael got me to get the body shape right.

it has begun remember very preliminary but comments would be ok.

b-day week

2008-08-10T14:33:00.000-07:00

my birthday week is coming to an end and thank goodness. i hate my birthday weeks everyone like co-workers, strangers who find out, ect... being nice to you and it feels fake. and wondering what i got for my birthday feeling selfish. and then the party...... it just feels awkward being the center of attention.

this week was not soooo bad. i was able to avoid most of the unwanted attention. and i got attention form those i care about, ie Rachael. my birthday was pretty uneventful Bryan wise. i drove to Nephi and to go to Rachael's high school reunion (i know going to your girlfiends reunion on my birthday i do rock as a boyfriend some times) then drove back to SLC to work an 8 hour closing shift then drive home just in time to spend the last bit of my birthday watching the new netflix i got (a futurama disc).

before that day arrived i was pretty unexcited about that day but on my actual birthday i really enjoyed my day. Rachael woke me up which is my favorite was to awake, and she gave me two gifts: a drawing figure

and Muppets season 3 dvd.

then we went to her reunion which was ok pretty boring for me she seemed to like it or maybe just liking the idea that she survived it. i enjoyed it because i got to be there for Rachael and that always makes me happy (i believe that is a bit of that love thing everyone talks about and i feel towards Rachael). i love it when she leans on me and rubs my hands when she is worried. i love that i help her feel better even a little when she is nervous.

after her reunion i headed up to SLC for work but not before getting a load of drop/no-bake cookies

from the Mickelson family. they are already gone. at work i was able to keep my birthday a secret from most everyone strangely enough the aminimity made me happy.

all in all being with Rachael on my birthday is all i wanted out of that day and i got it so not a bad birthday.

oh yah and tonight i get lots of pie.

the joker,flogging molly, and old friends

2008-07-20T15:02:00.000-07:00

the new Batman movie "Dark Night" came out this week and my old roommate Kent and I went to see it on Friday at a midnight showing. well 11:30 pm but no need for the semantics. we got out of the movie at 2:30 am. three hours long but I didn't notice notice. the movie was that good more plot twists than a German college film majors final project, but unlike the previously mentioned film batman's twists where exciting and fun. very good movie i would recommend it to anyone whose maturity level is over the age of 14.

i got to go see flogging molly last night and it was very fun. I decided to go by myself which is no big deal i have done it before. i was standing in line by myself when they split it between the men and women in two lines. unexpectedly when the lines formed next to me was an oooooollllldddd friend was next to me. kit. i have not seen her for over 5 years. we spent most of the time before the concert catching up and sharing memories with her friend whose name i can't remember. but during the concert i was lost in a see of pale redheads enjoying the irish music.

after the concert kit her friend and i wen to get coffee. well i got water and they got coffee. we talked about what we were up to now. i talked about college and rachael and my internship and she talked aobut her new found love of biking (it seems everyone i know is getting into biking. mitch, paul, john, and now kit).

it has been a good weekend. and now i am looking forward to spending a week in Nephi. i get to work with rachael. i did this last year and it was pretty fun.

most of all i am excited to to see rachael for a whole week.

update

2008-07-03T20:11:00.000-07:00

I got to visit Rachael this weekend and Watch WALL E with her in salt lake here is a list ofmy favorite things about visiting Rachael.

1 I love when we eat together and she places her hand on my leg under the table it makes me feel soo loved.

2 Getting to see the new fishies in the pond i love listening to her talk to them you wouldn't think a fish could remember a persons voice but they do they know that when see say "Hello Fishies" it is time to come to the surface fro visiting and food.

3 Her Kittie, they have such a good relationship i always thought that a cat could never be trained and learn to follow commands but she has proved me wrong again. whatever Rachael tells Kittie to do she does it. follow me to the pond to go get you babies so we can see them. Kittie is such a good cat. enough to change this dog persons opinions on cats.

4 i love her waking me up the morning. she is so delicate and quite about it. waking up to her is the best wake up ever.

5 taking naps with her. laying next to Rachael is my favorite pastime at the moment.

6 the new "do you know your partner" books we got it is fun and they have very dificult questions but i love it when i know the answer.

ahh i love being with Rachael.

i am so lame i thought i had my schedual posted on my google calander for this week but duh i checked today and hadn't put up one thing.

i am so lame i put up my work schedule til monday.

now for today i go tto do something pretty fun for my intenrship. i got to tape and interview all the "Survivor" hopefuls it was a very strange day. i watched a lady play with a live chicken. a girl fall doing a summersault, a guy wrestle his wife, among other strange video moments.

my favorite was a 51 year old bartender she was very outgoin and i could see her on "Survivor."

radio ok computer for real

2008-06-25T20:26:00.000-07:00

Big Ideas (don't get any) from James Houston on Vimeo.

my new spectacles

2008-06-22T17:46:00.000-07:00

click for big picture

what a week

2008-06-15T21:05:00.001-07:00

first off i got to see Rachael ALOT!!!! we went to a food show together which is always fun. i am not totally sure why they are fun but man they are. it could be cause a couple of reasons:

1. I am not really supposed to be there so it is a sneaky treat for me
2. there is lots of fun food for me to sample and then forget about
3. i get to hang out with Rachael * (i put a star by that one)
4. i get to learn more about the restaurant form both Rachael and JC (Rachael's dad)

it could be lots of reasons

second i got to spend the evening with Rachael, Her sis and Her bro watching "Captain Ron"

a past favorite of mine always makes me smile even made Rachael giggle a few times at stuff like this:

and i got to shoot my first promo that i wrote for the pops concert for the Days of 47 staring Sterling Poulson

and last night i went to a Wii party with my friend kent phew it was fun we played mario kart and when i showed up a kid was killing everyone so kent put me in a s a ringer (he told them that i was not a good gamer and had never played this game) hehehe i creamed him 5 games in a row and stopped his horrible trash talking that was annoying everyone.

and then the chalk art festival at the mall brought some unexpected delights this weekend along with a VERY BUSY starbucks.

this one reminded me of a graffiti style i like it alot

this one was just beautiful and i think it was a self portrait

woot woot it is the Indian Jones ahh good memories

this one is pretty and was right below starbucks so i watched it grow

this one was sooo good it looked like a portrait in the sun

can't have an event without Mickey Mouse

this one was very cool the figure was interesting

ahh Japanese style very life like well painting like not like actual waves

Who doesn't want a multi colored polar bear it is sooo emo

this one was cool cause she was doing this on her own with noone watching it is of the sign behind her hanging above the other photographer

holy crap that has to hurt

2008-06-10T08:46:00.000-07:00

3 years

2008-06-01T09:53:00.000-07:00

last night was fun i got to see friends i haven't seen in 3 years since i left for st. George. Timmy and Kent where my favorite we stayed up til 3 am remembering stories and telling everyone else at Kent's house.

the only soldier left behind last night was that i did not call Rachael like i had planned. i was just so rapped up in Timmy and Kent. I will call her today though.

right now i am trying to get a shift switched on Saturday so i can attend a wedding with Rachael on Saturday. it will be our second wedding together first Hyrum and now her friend lily (goodness i hope that is her name i am horrible with names).

that is all i got right now later my peeps.

kevin smith is not for the kiddies

2008-05-30T13:10:00.000-07:00

Kevin smith of "Clerks," "Mallrats," "Chasing Amy," ect.... is coming out with a new movie and i am F*^ki%g exstatic.

Zack and Miri Make a Porno

A good memory

2008-05-28T14:08:00.000-07:00

me and Rachael went to the parade of homes and got all our stuff and headed out with only the addresses and are gusto. we found most of the houses we intended to, all the while saying how great a map would be or maybe something in a GPS system. when we finally decided to go ask for a map i was waiting in line to ask a question when i overhead the lady in the front of the line being told how to use her map inside the magazine she had gotten (we also got 2 magazines). to avoid the inevitable embarrassment i took Rachael by the arm and walked away. I told her about the map we had be complaining about not having while having one under our noses. hehe we laughed about this the rest of the day.

really personal stuff here, and long phew how long

2008-05-23T23:29:00.000-07:00

i have lots of negative emotions right now most involving jealousy.

first you see i recently sold my motorcycle to my father and watched him drive away with it. i didn't think i would miss it too much but i do a little and something Rachael said made me sad that day but i didn't realize that was it til recentlier. she said she missed the sound of my motorcycle and for a strange reason that hit me a couple of ways neither of which i know she intended them. she would never say anything to hurt me she is so wonderful.

first it reminded me of how much i will miss that sound i really enjoyed the kind of pride that came with it. and secondly i remembered how "sexy" she once said (a while back, when i first got it) i was on it and i didn't want to give that up either. i got really jealous of my father and now john just got a motorcycle today, mitch is fixing his and yoshi (a friend form st. george) just picked his up.

stupid me i will get over it.

i had my motorcycle times i need to grow up and enjoy the adult car i have now the toyota prius, which i do love so very much, but there still is a part of me that wants to ride a motocycle now and again. if you never have you might not understand just how amazing and confident it can make you feel.

The rest of this is kinda personal but that is what blogs and journals are for i guess.

Personal stuff click to read if you want

so me and Rachael have been together for years now. our tentative anniversary of being together is coming up in August i don't think either of us knows and exact date or she does and i am just dumb, but we have actually broken up twice in our relationship. both of which we got back together, and our relationship is stringer because of it, thank goodness for that. she means the world to me, more important than Roman Noodles, popcorn, or any motorcycle combined (anyone who knows me know how big that is). she is on the top of my list, or pyramid (she made me an awesome upside down pyramid once i loved it).

anyhow i digress, during our first time apart she lived in nephi and we where still friends and she told me an old friend of our "zen" was coming to visit and in he had in a flirty way asked to cuddle with her, and this drove me nuts i hated the idea and i became sooo jealous. i hated "Zen" for it. nothing happened between the two of them and that is not the problem but i still for some reason resented "Zen" for this. i have this strong feeling of betrayal towards him and the situation. i know Rachael and i were not together at the time, but i felt really betrayed at the time and it has not gone away.

thankfully Rachael and my relationship is much stronger now i haven't gotten jealous like that since. i love the fact that she has guy and girl friends i have met some of her guy friend in Nephi and in St. George and i was glad she had these friendships. i mean i have female friends and i can't expect her to be cool with that if i am not in return. anyway in a long way i just said i have dealt with my jealousy issues (what little there was) and it is no longer a problem.

i had gotten past this "Zen" or so i thought and never thought about it for a long time, but he contacted me recently and told me he was going to be in SLC (which is where i am for the summer)and wanted to hang out. all the betrayal emotions came back i have these really strong emotions towards him i and fear i don't see him the same way i used to. i want to be his friend and be as close as we were but this stupid betrayal feeling keeps coming back.

the worst part of this is i am sure he has no idea i have never told him.

How do i get back to being friends?

finally this is why i hate being home it always takes me back to that neurotic child fearing all these irrational and unneeded fears. like right now i can't help feeling this blog will destroy my entire world somehow send everything i know into a horrible downward spiral. i have no idea how but that stupid obsessive compulsiveness is taking over again.

fun in almost any site

2008-05-23T19:15:00.000-07:00

got to a webiste: lets say NETFLIX and once it has loaded paste this code

javascript:R=0; x1=.1; y1=.05; x2=.25; y2=.24; x3=1.6; y3=.24; x4=300; y4=200; x5=300; y5=200; DI=document.images; DIL=DI.length; function A(){for(i=0; i-DIL; i++){DIS=DI[ i ].style; DIS.position='absolute'; DIS.left=Math.sin(R*x1+i*x2+x3)*x4+x5; DIS.top=Math.cos(R*y1+i*y2+y3)*y4+y5}R++}setInterval('A()',5); void(0);

in the address box up top over the www.netflix thingy watch the screen goes crazy.

it works some other pages too it works really good in google image search. search for a picture say puppies than put the same code in the address box.

state of being too big for my room

2008-05-18T19:55:00.000-07:00

Living back at home for less than 12 hours has made me appreciate how wonderful Rachael is i feel like such a guest. i feel out of place sitting in the front room that i spent nearly half of my life.

this is not my house i am merely unpacking my clothes and sleeping here until August 23rd ish i have never looked forward to the end of summer so much.

i only hope i become more comfortable here soon. right now i feel as uncomfortable as a fist in an un-inflated balloon.

on a better note i have begun enjoying the works of Oscar Wilde and i look forward reigniting my love of reading which always comes to me here in northern Utah.

they grow again

2008-05-10T22:51:00.000-07:00

every once in a while i get a really nervous feeling which grows into complete negativity towards almost everything. i spend all day waiting for something terrible to happen in fear of the worst case scenario.

tonight was one of those once in a whiles

I hate this feeling, I hate how sudden it can come, I hate that it comes so unannounced, I hate how big it can and does grow, i hate how uncomfortable in my skin it makes me feel, i hate the fear of everyone staring at my and my socio-phobic disorder, I hate that i want a hug but the idea of touching most people makes my skin crawl, i wish this feeling on no one.

I think i really want the terrible thing to happen just to justify this enormous fear i can't explain.

how i licked my own eyeball and almost died

2008-05-09T14:40:00.002-07:00

i decided to long board to work and back just for fun but it was a strange ride.

the ride there was relatively uneventful but coming home was a whole nuther story.

while passing the school my contact decided to make a run for it and leaped to freedom from the tower that is my face. i search all over around me it for about a minute when I realized I was wearing sun-glasses. hehe it was an inch from my face all along stuck to the lens. it had dried in the time it took me to discover it, and with me without water i had to lick it to get it moist so that it would stick to my eye to get moist from tears and other eye water. i put it in and felt the immediate pain of dirt on my lens de contact. i looked at my hand it was filthy from riding and carrying Rachael and My long board.

ahhhhh i ran to the school across the street and luckily despite the semester being over the first door i tried was unlocked. i bolted for the restroom where i put the contact in the shallow bowl created by the concaveness of my glasses and washed my hands. the next attempt at putting the contact in was a success except for the marks that my tongue had made by licking it where still there. don't worry the eye water got rid of them toot sweet.

so on my way home again. i passed by the ice cream shop and decided to give myself a treat i purchased a waffle cone with one scoop of strawberry shortcake on top of a scoop of banana split ice cream. as i boarded my way towards smiths i was getting ever closer to the banana split ice cream making my way though the strawberry.

one more bite and i got a great shock "duh dummy, banana splits have nuts on them so, so would the ice cream equivalent to. ahhhhhh again, well actually more of a agagaangngn with the swelling. thankfully by this time i was in the smiths parking lot and the medicine was merely a just 20 or so steps away. i got it down before any damage. i sat and rested at smiths til i had enough strength to start walking home but then.... hoorah my good friend Dave (well not really good friend i barely know him but at this moment he was my best friend cause he) drove me back hoem to where i sit now writing you of my epic tales of woe and excitement.

that my day so far i am going to go hang out with jon for a bit till the swelling goes away completely.

for those who are worriers and you know who you are. i am fine and will be ok i promise.

she is amazing

2008-05-06T14:04:00.000-07:00

i am constantly amazed at how BRAVE Rachael is.

Being brave is not living in the absence of fear but

having fear but acting anyway.

i wish i could be up there to help her, to hold her and tell her she is doing good. she is doing sooo much and things that would scare me to death.

she is confronting a problem that is frightening and doing it bravely.

I love you Rachael

ah i am a creature of habit

2008-04-27T02:09:00.000-07:00

CURSE YOU PAPA JOHNS AND YOU TASTY BUT ACID REFLUX INDUCING PIZZAS

i can always laugh

2008-04-25T09:04:00.000-07:00

it is amazing how soon you can so hard you fall out of your chair.

if you don't get it. it is ok. it's a mariokart joke.

click on it for a full size version

my mouth is dry

2008-04-23T17:57:00.000-07:00

I don't know how to feel about it.

i grew up with him. i grew up kind of idolizing him and now he's dead

I just found out that Wayne, a friend from Tooele just O.D. on drugs.

i keep crying but i can't justify the tears in my head they just aren't logical.

i don't know why i am writing this on a fucking blog I just can't seem to say

he's dead

out loud.

incase you didn't know

2008-04-23T08:02:00.000-07:00

I have begun to enjoy the musician known as Le Calvin Harris

and here is two reason why

It was acceptable in the 80's

and

The Girls

can't embed sorry, but the songs are worth the traveling time to other links i promis.

Rachael

2008-04-22T07:58:00.000-07:00

I think i loved you earlier than i wanted to admit. i feared unreciprocattion
I don't often feel as vulnerable as i do standing with you.
you can crush me or make my world glow with a single look.

I am in love with you Rachael thank you for being in love with me.

unreciprocattion

ah the mario brothers theme

2008-04-20T01:18:00.000-07:00

and what an instrument a RC CAR!!!!

http://view.break.com/487616 - Watch more free videos

i really can be

2008-04-14T22:40:00.000-07:00

sometimes i am more of a jealous of a person than i like i get protective of my relationships and weirded out by dumb things like complimenting other people.

it doesn't happen a lot rarely in fact but my green monster can rear its head now and then. (I usually don't tell anyone when this is happening)

new scrubs woot to the woot

2008-04-13T01:55:00.000-07:00

more things i am digging

2008-04-09T22:50:00.000-07:00

1. Death Cab for Cutie's "Marching Bands of Manhattan"

2. Not playing World of Warcraft: man i spent over 1 months playing that game. ONE MONTH sitting in front of my computer repeating the same actions over and over again. i have so much more time to go on walks, do laundry, art stuff, write a book (An Unwilling Man), and do homework.

3. Drumming on everything: i carry around drum sticks like i did when i was young i miss the feeling of keeping a beat to the worlds movements. i like to drum the walking of groups around me.

4. Me in a beenie: i felt really attractive today. it was cold so i wore a hoodie and a Green crochet beenie and I really felt good about how i looked.

5. counting the days til Rachael's visit. it gives me something to look forward to.

things i am digging right now.

2008-04-02T13:15:00.000-07:00

1. thrice- man i still love those guys (i remember seeing them live for the first time and being just in awe of how good they where i had never heard them prior and i have been hooked ever since)

2. internship- i am looking into an internship for school and i hope i get one in slc for the summer so i can be nearer to Rachael or if i get one here i hope it is awesome times five. an internship has really began me thinking about my future career and what title i want to put behind of my name: Mr. Bryan Johnson ________________________er

3. ubuntu- it is an operating system that i have begun to like because my computer jsut melted on me the other one not this one (god i am a nerd)

4. quick internet - my has been slow so i am very annoyed lately.

what i noticed

2008-03-27T22:43:00.000-07:00

I have noticed lately that i have began judging people very quickly lately. i must stop this it is keeping me from meeting some possibly interesting people.

i have also noticed that i need new music and a way to get it i have not gotten any new music in almost 4 months i am getting tired of a lot of the stuff i have. do if you know of a good way for me to get back in the MP3 game let me know.

i just found out today that Rachael will be coming down to visit.
This makes me smile a lot. even if just for a day i get to kiss and hung and just be with the woman i love.

i have become soooo swamped lately. i have 3 8-10 page papers due this semester along with 2 group projects, i have to set up my internship for the summer at some radio station doing promotions (which i don't want to do i don't like promotions but hey anything to finish school) , video shoots for my sports broadcasting class, and studying for finals.
every moment i am not at school or work is doing one of these things. my roomates have said that they haven't seen me in a week.

made me smile big today

2008-03-22T15:28:00.000-07:00

why longboarding can cost you $90

2008-03-15T11:42:00.000-07:00

Life lesson #2,330,001

If you are going to go long boarding make sure your comfy extra baggy jeans pockets can support the weight of your wallet.

i lost my wallet Thursday. I went long boarding and it fell out of my pockets. last time i try to exercise on my way to get a drink. so far i lost the $50.00 dollars in it and i half to get a new license $18.00 and i had to buy a new wallet $22.00.

stupid day.

but luckily Gogol Bordello was able to cheer me up hope it does the same for you.

Start wearing purple!!!!!

Not a Crime!!!!!!!!!

The
wanderlust king!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

movies i want to see

2008-03-11T15:30:00.000-07:00

1. Wild Tigers I Have Known

2. The Host

3. Paprika

4. Sunshine

5. Rocket Science

what a day for a daydream

2008-03-01T10:30:00.001-08:00

so boredom and long hair took over and now i have this thing

wow i need to get rid of it soon cause it is starting

to grow on me, Literally and mentally.

my own reflection

2008-02-24T00:41:00.000-08:00

it has been almost four day since i saw my reflection. Try it try not looking in the mirror. it is very hard we are vain animals. it has been pretty nice i have jsut let my hair fall in its place let the clothes feel ok instead of looking good. i have felt pretty good about myself these last few days maybe i will keep it up. who knows

woot by the way Rachael is coming to visit soon i love that girl.

music friday

2008-02-15T10:51:00.000-08:00

i am diggin the remixes today so obviously so should you here are some of my favorites

Ready for the floor remixed by Jesse Rose originally by "hot chip"

A BECK remix by AIR

More later hopefully

Music Friday Number 1

2008-02-08T12:45:00.000-08:00

i love music so i wanted to share some of the stuff i love so here goes the first music Friday with hopefully many to come.

this is form the scrubs season 6 finally and i just love the lyrics and beat.

and a band i love but it is a guilty pleasure here is the NADA surf song

See Them Bones

and the Badd A "Le gasants de Beastie" (French for beastie boys)

with a remix

for Peanut Butter

i feel like writing lyrics tonight.

2008-01-25T20:46:00.000-08:00

If i had a beat i would write songs like this

i would tell you her story and remind you of his

i make women cry over loss in past and
spells they have yet, yet to cast

writing the words that make you feel the way you already do but just never knew

retelling your life through the eyes I've have oooonly viewed

like the spins you wished you'd spun like the bridges that you, you

yurn to burn

(insert chorus here)

[this is as far as i got before i lost the beat]

inspired by Iron and Wine's "boy with a coin" a much more beautiful song.

2008-01-24T09:09:00.000-08:00

i am so self loathing.

Rachael is the best girlfriend i have ever had and is soooo good to me but when i dream i make her mean in my dreams. it doesn't stop there i make my roommate john mean, my parents mean.

this could be a real problem i need to be nicer to myself in my dreams and stop being mean via mockups of people i know in my heads twisted view of the world.

i can't dwell on this too long caus i got to get lots of stuff done today.

PS. Rachael made me feel really good this morning with a love text.

I love that girl.

man money sucks

2008-01-17T17:03:00.000-08:00

i am soo tired of thinking about money and cars. i hate that the rest of my life will probably be like this. (well not really but at the moment it is all i can think about so i can't see the light at the end of the tunnel).

i have learned terms and ideas that i never thought i would need to hear like rebuilt title, rebuilt title insurance. i have been learning about what years cars changed there design and engine and which is better.

let me start over by saying this is all my fault i have built up this dream in my head of owning a particular car a Toyota Prius and i have got myself in to my own corner by telling everyone that i was going to buy this car. i know that no one is expecting me or putting any pressure on me to do so but i keep feeling like i have to do it. i am really tired of driving my motorcycle it is too cold and it just isn't worth it anymore. I am always freezing.

I am going to take a few days off thinking about cars and talking about cars and just relax.

i apologize to anyone who i got excited about me and a car.

i still plan to buy a car soon and most likely a prius or at least a hybrid but i just can't think about this anymore right now.

school = busy!!!

2008-01-13T09:53:00.000-08:00

wow so i have soo much to do lately.

i have been putting together a proposal for the college about the Dixie Music Festival,
figuring out a schedule for the radio station,
figuring out how to get all my managers their scholarships,
fixing problems with my financial aide,
working at basketball games for the college as announcer for my sports broadcasting class,
doing homework lots of homework,
getting a show together,
attending meetings for the new student media councel,
drawing and redrawing comics for the school newspaper,

oh yah and i still have to work at Starbucks.

a few things have suffered because of this:

my diet has slipped for lack of time,
i don't get to listen to music very much anymore

and most important me an Rachael this is the one thing i will be making a better effort to correct.

step one: I asked for a few days off in February to go see her
step two: taking time everyday to call her
step three: Passing all classes so i can get out of this town and go be with her by graduating.

PS:

My leather jacket was stolen on Friday so the ride home from work was hard. John gave me his jacket to wear but if you know john his jacket is like 6 sizes to big so it let a lot of cold air in. i got home and wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed and press up against Rachael's warm body. In fact i miss that a lot coming home to Rachael made bad days not so bad.

2008-01-08T08:03:00.001-08:00

hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Oh My God

2007-12-20T20:59:00.000-08:00

so i konw i am soooooooo far behind everyone but i am now in love with

FLIGHT OF THE CONCORD

a show on HBO

2007-12-20T09:31:00.000-08:00

this is an ex-dj and pal BenJosh daughter's first dance recital.

it is so adorable.

undefined Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

..

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